My New Chapter

What should I call it...Grand motherhood perhaps ? Someone pointed out to me that I am already a Grandmother. Hum....after thinking about that statement for one silent minute, I spoke up and said  yes, I am already a grandmother! A tiny living being  with a heart that beats lives in Kim's belly.

I should know better, as I look at babies every day  who are being carried by excited moms. Babies that suck their  fingers and play with their toes while nestled in the womb. They are living little people waiting for nature to tell them that it is their time to face the world.

I wait in anticipation  to hold that new baby in my arms. I fear my emotions as our family welcomes a new member. I fear how heartbroken I will be that Kelly-Anne will not be here on the physical earth to share the joy. I  know that I have to be brave.

I saw the joy and beauty in Kim's face last week. She is going to be the best mother ever. That baby will be so loved. The baby's father is the  man of my dreams of what I always wanted for my daughter. I could not be happier to have him as part of our family. I have been truly blessed.

Now, me...what kind of grandmother will I be. Some tell me it is a completely different  situation than having one of  your own. Others tell me that  I will not be able to keep myself away from the child. It is going to be tough as the baby will be living out west. Will I visit twice a year, will Kim visit....I can only take it one day at a time. There are too many thoughts and questions passing through my brain these days and I know I cannot let what I cannot control affect me.

I know that Kelly-Anne is  totally elated for Kim. I know that she is helping Kim and is the baby's angel. How will the baby get to know about Aunty Kelly-Anne? What will Kim tell the baby? I know we still have few years before that conversation happens. Kim will find the right words when it is the right time.

A  new chapter in out lives approaches. I can only be thankful for this blessing bestowed upon our family. No matter the distance between us, there will  always be love and support.

So my dear grandchild, rest well  for a few more months in your mommy's tummy. Give her a few kicks now and then to remind her that you are a tough little cookie. We will welcome you with open arms and many hugs and kisses. You are already so loved.   xxxx 

A Letter to my Daughter

Dear Kelly-Anne,

Would it  be appropriate to wish you a happy 33rd Birthday today? I know you are smiling down from Heaven and at peace.I know you are happy for your friends and family that remember you on a daily basis. I know you are working hard from above to help us. You have helped all your friends and family and those you never met like Mario.

You were here yesterday in our house. I thought of you  and realized that what had just happened was something you put in place. It was a good thing that happened  and I thank you for that. It was your  way of telling me that you cared and wanted to find a way to help me find a solution to my problem.

Today I was speaking to a group of students studying to be Early Childhood  Educators. You  helped me wing it as I felt your presence  with me in that classroom. I spoke about you and your sister and about the work you both  did with children. I also spoke about my  business and about  taking care of oneself during pregnancy. My goodness, my life has changed...who would of thought.......I would be where I am today. And you were there always, these past  8 years, through thick and thin, always by my side.

I thank you for the  baby that will be apart of our family. I know you are beaming with pride. Saturday evening, I will see your  friends from life guarding. Hugs and kisses will flow and I  will try to put on my brave face.  I promise. Their news, their little additions to their families for which I am very happy for them, still  leaves me with a wound straight through my heart. They have all the things that you should of had an opportunity to have.

Remember Kell, you are never forgotten. This week has been an emotionally charged one leading  up to today. You have to realize that I did shed some tears this morning, but you helped me be strong throughout the day. Thank you for that.

The Christmas tree is up. The balls which you so perfectly made are hanging on the tree and  Jules and I reminisced about Christmases past with you. 

I await your next message or a dream with you in it.

Sending all my love to you,


Mom xxxxx

Find Your Courage

Through fate, I was very fortunate to meet a writer/producer who had worked on a film called Dreams and Mirrors which un known to her at the time, Kelly-Anne had also worked on this very same film.The short end of the story is that we met and instantly seemed to have a connection. She had a goal in mind to produce a film and I wanted very much to have someone help me tell Kelly-Anne's story. With the wonderful collaboration of a  film maker from Toronto, we  spent a day together in late August  2011 and  filmed Find Your Courage. What a day it was with emotions coupled with memories and many what if's for myself.  


After one year of   filming the  film is now completed and ready for distributing. It is a 7 minute film geared to reach the community being families, parents and women going through what Kelly-Anne lived. I have reviewed the final product several times and  I know that my words will touch someone. If one life is saved, then I know that all our work was not in vain.

A short segment of the  film will be aired on CTV Montreal News on October 26th along side  a piece on teen violence which I also had the privilege to  participate in. CTV Montreal has been from day one very supportive of our family. They were there at the court house reporting daily on the trial. They have supported the work I have done with  families of those  murdered, issues related to government  policy, domestic violence issues and reporting on events in the community where Kelly-Anne is  remembered through Power of  One and  other newscasts.  I am not a television star and far from it, but I am humbled with appreciation that  CTV has helped me to be my daughter's voice.

Once the story has been aired, I will post a link for those who would like to view on line. I do hope that at some point the entire footage of the Find Your Courage will be on line.

I truly believe that Kelly-Anne brought me and Ingrid together through Dreams and Mirrors. Little did Kelly-Anne know in 2003 while helping out on the  film that  years later what impact her life and legacy would make on so many others.

Stay tune to CTV Montreal on October 26th. If you know families or other women or teens who are struggling because of abusive situations, I ask again to reach out and maybe even get them to watch the  piece. It is not just about me and my daughter making a difference, you can too in your community help someone in need. Break the silence on abuse.

Today

I awoke early this morning recounting  what is was like  eight  years ago that same  morning. What did I feel, what would  I face that day were the toughts that tormented me. We all have memorable monuments in our lives, the birth of our children,  the day they took their first steps, but  I  also have this moment of horror implanted in me. It just doesn't seem to fit right with all the joyous memories.

Rachel  was very clear and right on in her latest entry on  her blog. 2004 divides  my life too. Pre-2004  is somewhat a blur. I guess trauma does that  to you. There are things I just don't recall. Life as I know for most part is post 2004. My void, my pain, my loss, my life lessons, my adjustments.

Today I sit in my office and write as a happy couple are seeing their baby for the first time. Today I call  the first day of the rest of my life. Today, eight years ago was the day that  I  had to make the biggest decision in my life. It was the day that changed my life forever. I didn't know then how my life would turn out  going forward. When you think about it, it really isn't any different  for anybody else. Even someone who does not experience a life changing situation, still  does not know what life will bring them. The thought of the future was just too  traumatic to bear without my daughter, Kelly-Anne. But through the grace of God, family, friends and the community I managed to forge forward with this army behind me. All I can say is thank you for listening to me, being a shoulder to cry on and allowing me to be the voice of Kelly-Anne.

Find Your Courage, a film which I was in is now finished, edited and ready for anyone who would like to view it. I speak from the heart and I hope others in abusive relationships will take the time to look at it. I also hope other parents will listen to my message. Hopefully others lives will be saved.

After viewing the film and listening to my words, I have  finally come to another  realization and have now accepted the fact that Kelly-Anne had a role to play in her death. She knew her life was wrong with Marty but she was afraid of him. It was  painful up until now  to admit that  Kelly-Anne made a bad decision to be with Marty. I believed that my daughter could do no wrong. It  hurt me to hear this from others. I have now come to  the point that I do not blame her for her death, but  do understand her role in it.  I want  other  women to understand that they do not have to have a role in the lost of their life, but their role must be to take charge of their situation and get out of it.There is always someone that can  help...police, social workers, teachers, doctors, women's shelters, and the workplace.

Last week I had the opportunity to speak again from the heart for a two part series  that CTV is producing.  I viewed this as my last venture. I have had the last word  and now must step back.  I have done all I can to be the voice of Kelly-Anne. I have delivered her message and now it is time  for others to follow that  message. My work is completed. I will however continue to blog.

Life  going forward is now about me, my family, the new birth and my business. Life will be full of  laughter and tears...and hopefully more happy tears than sad ones. I look forward to the rest of my life and all the exciting things that will happen to me. Kelly-Anne will always walk beside me no matter where I go or do. She is  always there and will never be forgotten.xxxx

Rachel

Rachel is Kelly-Anne's faithful  and loving friend. Even in Kell's death, Rachel has been steadfast and committed to Kelly-Anne and her family.

Please take a moment to read her blog, Remembering a Friend. She has done a marvelous job  with all her latest posts paying tribute to Kelly-Anne. It's well worth the read as she somehow  just knows how to says things the right way!

The link is below.

http://www.kadrummond.blogspot.ca/

Believing

Let us believe that tomorrow is always a new day with no mistakes in it...... Kelly-Anne believed that.

Let us believe that we will all be kinder and more compassionate to each other...Kelly-Anne believed that.

Let us believe that women will break  away from the chains that hold them to abusive  relationships ...Kelly-Anne taught us that.

Let us believe that our justice system will support women who are in abusive relationships and that  justice will prevail.......Kelly-Anne's voice was heard in court.

Let us believe that through the media we will be reminded of those who are victims and those who are the aggressors........Kelly-Anne's story was a constant reminder.

Let us believe that women will continue to educate themselves and become the women that they want to be......Kelly-Anne wanted that.

Let us believe that women will no longer be silent as an abused  women is the only one hearing the noise and feeling the pain that surrounds her........Kelly-Anne lived that.

I believe that my daughter, Kelly-Anne has taught me how to live, love and listen. I thank  her everyday for  being beside me as I go about my life. As I smile, I also cry.

Thank you, Kelly-Anne for giving me the courage to be your voice as your mother. Thank  you for being in my life for 24 years. You taught me so much. xxx xxx

That Last Conversation

That last conversation I will never forget was on October 2nd 2004. Kelly- Anne was at her father's house and she called to say hi as we had not had a chance to catch up since her return form Italy. She was happy. She had supper at her father's and Marty was not there. He had something else to do.

Kelly-Anne recounted to me a little about her trip and about the things she had bought for herself and me.Towards the end of the conversation I asked her how Marty was. Her answer was > Mom, I need to be more respectful to  him>. I have mentioned this statement in previous  posts. I was floored when I  heard her say these words. I bit my tongue and said I had to go to bed and would speak again soon. I didn't  not want to start an argument. Here I was walking on eggshells with my  daughter, knowing full well that she did not need to be more respectful to Marty, but what I didn't understand at that time was that her words were a true sign of domestic violence and control.

That was my last physical conversation with her.

For all the women out there who think that you need to be more respectful to your  partner, please wake up and understand that this  is what your partner expects you to do. You are being controlled in a way which is called abuse. This is a red flag sign letting you know that your are in  a potentially dangerous situation.You have been brainwashed,belittled and demoralized to believe that you are not respectful enough and that your partner's words are what controls you as a  person and your very distorted relationship. If you are reading this blog and you are not a women who is being abused, please refer my blog to women who you feel are being abused. Please educate yourself on domestic abuse, even if you are not in a relationship. Know the  signs and be vigilant  towards your family and friends who you feel could be victims of abuse.

I have too many regrets that I should of known better. I can now only be the voice of Kelly-Anne and and openly tell others not to allow yourself into this web of abuse. That is what Kelly-Anne would tell  you today if she were here to tell her story.