It's hard to believe that already Christmas Eve is here. The meat pies smell delightful and the house looks like Christmas. The new tree adorns the living room and the many old and new ornaments hang gracefully. The theme is red, gold and green. Jules and I decided to keep it very traditional this year.
Each Christmas brings the fond memories of Christmas past....when the girls were young and excited for Santa to make his arrival. That tradition will carry its way to Kim and her family. Paige is still too young but it does excite me to know that we still have a few years before she re discovers who puts the gifts under the tree. It's her first Christmas and that being said reminds me of Kelly-Anne and Kim's first Christmas.
It has been a busy time for me at the office....and with each customer these past few days have brought me more than just a special joy, but a joy of peace and hope for the future. I held a child in my arms yesterday who is three years old and has an disease that cannot be cured. The father joyfully took a picture of us together with her new bear. The parents were true examples of the love of Christ which shone through them. It was tough holding back the tears. I felt the lump in my throat but prayed to be strong.
We are soon off to church to see friends and new acquaintances. The dinner parties have already started and of course my bathroom scale is not cooperating with me. I guess a couple of pounds over the holidays is not the end of the world.
Tonight I pray for peace in the world. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and to those not observing I wish you joy throughout this season........and to all a good night.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
34
Kelly-Anne would of been 34 years old today. The prime of her life...enjoying her family, friends and an aspiring career. Living her dream.....traveling and probably spending today being American Thanksgiving with her best friend Rachel.
I cried this past week as I heard the news of another senseless murder of Sherri Thomas in Montreal. Her story, identical to Kelly-Anne's brought me back nine years. Why did this young girl have to face the same fate as Kelly-Anne....her story, like Kelly-Anne's leaves me with so much pain.
Kell... I know you are at peace and I know you have created miracles for your family. You have watched over us and allowed us to have new joy with your niece.
Happy Birthday my baby.
Love,
Mom xxxxx
I cried this past week as I heard the news of another senseless murder of Sherri Thomas in Montreal. Her story, identical to Kelly-Anne's brought me back nine years. Why did this young girl have to face the same fate as Kelly-Anne....her story, like Kelly-Anne's leaves me with so much pain.
Kell... I know you are at peace and I know you have created miracles for your family. You have watched over us and allowed us to have new joy with your niece.
Happy Birthday my baby.
Love,
Mom xxxxx
Friday, October 25, 2013
Continuing the Legacy with God's Help
Thanksgiving weekend was truly one of thanksgiving. We baptized into God's Holy Church our granddaughter. She looked like a true gift from God....so beautiful, alert, and joyful. I could not contain myself in church. There were too many emotions as it suddenly hit me like a bolt of lightening, that our granddaughter is the image of Kelly-Anne at that same age. That night I browsed through pictures of Kelly-Anne's baptism and realized that the baby was an actual clone of Kelly-Anne. How is this possible I asked myself. I sent a picture of Kelly-Anne next to the baby's picture to relatives and friends and they all agreed with me...awesome...but really what I can only say is that God allowed the soul of Kelly-Anne to be placed in our granddaughter. There is no other explanation for this. This is His gift to us, His creation and His message. That child has already been blessed and having her is a blessing to us.
After the baptism and luncheon, she and her parents came to our home for Thanksgiving dinner. Needless to say, we were all exhausted but still enjoyed the turkey and all the trimmings. The baby's supper consisted of mashed squash and apple sauce. Once a spoonful is given to her, there is no stopping. She just loves to eat ! She reminds me so much of the girls when they first started to eat food...especially Kelly-Anne who always ate more than Kim.
Even today, I continue windering about how the baby will develop, what kind of a little girl will she be...so far we know that she will be a happy loving child...a child of God, a child who I know will go to Sunday school and learn about her faith and why she was baptized. She will one day make her own decisions about her faith and have her own personal relationship with God.
Also, she will one day come to know who her Auntie Kelly-Anne was. Her family will see more traits of Kelly-Anne, her mother and father in her. I can only believe that with God's help and protection, our baby will have a beautiful life ahead of her, surrounded by her loving family and friends. She and all of us are truly blessed. Her life has brought us such joy in knowing that Kelly-Anne lives on in this child of God.
After the baptism and luncheon, she and her parents came to our home for Thanksgiving dinner. Needless to say, we were all exhausted but still enjoyed the turkey and all the trimmings. The baby's supper consisted of mashed squash and apple sauce. Once a spoonful is given to her, there is no stopping. She just loves to eat ! She reminds me so much of the girls when they first started to eat food...especially Kelly-Anne who always ate more than Kim.
Even today, I continue windering about how the baby will develop, what kind of a little girl will she be...so far we know that she will be a happy loving child...a child of God, a child who I know will go to Sunday school and learn about her faith and why she was baptized. She will one day make her own decisions about her faith and have her own personal relationship with God.
Also, she will one day come to know who her Auntie Kelly-Anne was. Her family will see more traits of Kelly-Anne, her mother and father in her. I can only believe that with God's help and protection, our baby will have a beautiful life ahead of her, surrounded by her loving family and friends. She and all of us are truly blessed. Her life has brought us such joy in knowing that Kelly-Anne lives on in this child of God.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Today
I awoke in the early hours of the morning and saw an email from a close friend. She wrote that she was thinking of Kelly-Anne and wished her eternal memory. She then mentioned as if she was writing to Kelly-Anne how her family have kept her memory alive and that she will never be forgotten. I fell back to sleep and felt cradled under my comforter, that my daughter was near by.
I spoke with another close friend yesterday who reminded me of all the good things that have happened to me in the past nine years. The biggest highlight is the new birth of our granddaughter. She has and will continue to bring joy and happiness to our lives.
Today I decided that I wanted a normal day....a quiet one of reflection, of joy and remembrance. Yes remembering Kelly-Anne as the faithful, loving daughter, but also remembering those who still suffer from domestic violence. I know that there are still women out there who are living in fear, who know that they should not be in the relationship that they are presently in, but feel that they have no other recourse. I ask that if you know someone who is in this situation, please reach out....you may be saving a life.
I am also thinking of the upcoming baptism. Last minute preparations are on the way. That will keep me busy today. I am also sadden that certain family members will not be there. Next week we will also remember family members living in Heaven with Kelly-Anne who are very missed at this time.
Our granddaughter will learn one day about Kelly-Anne and her legacy. I know this baby will make a change in the world.
Each time I look at a picture of her, I am reminded of Kelly-Anne. I am reminded that there is hope for the future and that the only thing I can do is continue to forge forward and live. It is the least I can do to honor my daughter, Kelly-Anne. Memory eternal!
I spoke with another close friend yesterday who reminded me of all the good things that have happened to me in the past nine years. The biggest highlight is the new birth of our granddaughter. She has and will continue to bring joy and happiness to our lives.
Today I decided that I wanted a normal day....a quiet one of reflection, of joy and remembrance. Yes remembering Kelly-Anne as the faithful, loving daughter, but also remembering those who still suffer from domestic violence. I know that there are still women out there who are living in fear, who know that they should not be in the relationship that they are presently in, but feel that they have no other recourse. I ask that if you know someone who is in this situation, please reach out....you may be saving a life.
I am also thinking of the upcoming baptism. Last minute preparations are on the way. That will keep me busy today. I am also sadden that certain family members will not be there. Next week we will also remember family members living in Heaven with Kelly-Anne who are very missed at this time.
Our granddaughter will learn one day about Kelly-Anne and her legacy. I know this baby will make a change in the world.
Each time I look at a picture of her, I am reminded of Kelly-Anne. I am reminded that there is hope for the future and that the only thing I can do is continue to forge forward and live. It is the least I can do to honor my daughter, Kelly-Anne. Memory eternal!
Friday, October 4, 2013
Deep in the Stars
" There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real."
Charlie Brown
Charlie Brown
Sunday, September 29, 2013
October
The young maple trees in front of our house have changed color this past week. Today, the bright golden colors of the leaves shone as the sun casted over the trees. A warm sunny fall day, much like nine years ago when we lost Kelly-Anne. I realized today that next Saturday is October 5th. My goodness time is passing too quickly.
I reflected today about my life and all that has happened during the past nine years. Too much has gone on.....good stuff and not good stuff.....learning to adapt to life without Kell has been the biggest challenge of my life. I thought about new friends that I have made; people who never new Kell...but they felt that they did know her. I thought about old friends who are no longer in my life.
People change....they say that happens after a death.
I started to make a mental list of the challenges and events that have happened. I realize that Kell has been a part of everything in some way even from Heaven. She has a way of sending me messages.
Just last week I found out that a man I had met last year was very upset when he heard of Kell's death. He did not know that I was her mother nor did I know that it was his daughter, a police officer who was first on the crime scene on Oct.3rd. It seems that Kelly-Anne has been never forgotten. People remember that she was murdered. I still bump into people who ask me if I was the women on t.v.or if I am Kelly-Anne's mother.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, Kell is very much alive in my dreams. I don't think I ever dreamt as much as I have during the past nine years. I have felt her presence in our house, and if Sylvester could talk, he would confirm that Kell has been here.
Our family was blessed with a granddaughter which we will baptised this Thanksgiving weekend. Nine years ago we buried Kelly-Anne and this year we will rejoice on Thanksgiving for this precious gift. The more I look at the baby, I see Kelly-Anne. Her ears are just like Kell's. Even though the baby looks like her father, there is definitely Kelly-Anne there too.
Our spiritual journey is very important to myself and Jules. He started a new job in Ontario this past July. He comes home after a very long shift and recounts to me stories about his colleagues. We agreed that everyone has a story but interestingly the dynamics and culture are so different than what he experienced in his last job here in Quebec. As I said to him over lunch today, you were meant to be where you are.. in that company and in that town. I can only believe that Kelly-Anne played a role with God that Jules be where he is today. I can also only believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Changes will always happen in our lives, but we both have a clearer understanding of how to accept and deal with change. After going through a horrific loss, everything else we have faced or will face is peanuts.
Kelly-Anne still guides us. She helps me make decisions, she helps me swim in water that I once feared. She watches over her sister and the baby. Today I can say that everything happens for a reason. Was Kelly-Anne's work on earth completed when she died? I have a hard time to believe that is was....but she did leave a legacy....and she will never be forgotten.
She has given me the courage to forge forward, to get out of bed and embrace the day. I do not need cigarettes, drugs or liquor to get through the day. I am surrounded by love and I know that Kell is not far.....she has never left me.
As the season changes, Jules and I will start the process to move out of Quebec. We know where we belong...we have given it much serious thought and the writing is on the wall. I feel Kell has helped us come to that point. We will have another challenge to relocate. We look forward to the move and know that Kell will find our home. She knows she is always welcomed.
As we remember Kell this week, lets also remember her smile, her infectious laughter, her kind and loving heart. She still is a wonderful daughter, sister, friend and now an aunt....even from Heaven.
Love you forever.xxxxxx
I reflected today about my life and all that has happened during the past nine years. Too much has gone on.....good stuff and not good stuff.....learning to adapt to life without Kell has been the biggest challenge of my life. I thought about new friends that I have made; people who never new Kell...but they felt that they did know her. I thought about old friends who are no longer in my life.
People change....they say that happens after a death.
I started to make a mental list of the challenges and events that have happened. I realize that Kell has been a part of everything in some way even from Heaven. She has a way of sending me messages.
Just last week I found out that a man I had met last year was very upset when he heard of Kell's death. He did not know that I was her mother nor did I know that it was his daughter, a police officer who was first on the crime scene on Oct.3rd. It seems that Kelly-Anne has been never forgotten. People remember that she was murdered. I still bump into people who ask me if I was the women on t.v.or if I am Kelly-Anne's mother.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, Kell is very much alive in my dreams. I don't think I ever dreamt as much as I have during the past nine years. I have felt her presence in our house, and if Sylvester could talk, he would confirm that Kell has been here.
Our family was blessed with a granddaughter which we will baptised this Thanksgiving weekend. Nine years ago we buried Kelly-Anne and this year we will rejoice on Thanksgiving for this precious gift. The more I look at the baby, I see Kelly-Anne. Her ears are just like Kell's. Even though the baby looks like her father, there is definitely Kelly-Anne there too.
Our spiritual journey is very important to myself and Jules. He started a new job in Ontario this past July. He comes home after a very long shift and recounts to me stories about his colleagues. We agreed that everyone has a story but interestingly the dynamics and culture are so different than what he experienced in his last job here in Quebec. As I said to him over lunch today, you were meant to be where you are.. in that company and in that town. I can only believe that Kelly-Anne played a role with God that Jules be where he is today. I can also only believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Changes will always happen in our lives, but we both have a clearer understanding of how to accept and deal with change. After going through a horrific loss, everything else we have faced or will face is peanuts.
Kelly-Anne still guides us. She helps me make decisions, she helps me swim in water that I once feared. She watches over her sister and the baby. Today I can say that everything happens for a reason. Was Kelly-Anne's work on earth completed when she died? I have a hard time to believe that is was....but she did leave a legacy....and she will never be forgotten.
She has given me the courage to forge forward, to get out of bed and embrace the day. I do not need cigarettes, drugs or liquor to get through the day. I am surrounded by love and I know that Kell is not far.....she has never left me.
As the season changes, Jules and I will start the process to move out of Quebec. We know where we belong...we have given it much serious thought and the writing is on the wall. I feel Kell has helped us come to that point. We will have another challenge to relocate. We look forward to the move and know that Kell will find our home. She knows she is always welcomed.
As we remember Kell this week, lets also remember her smile, her infectious laughter, her kind and loving heart. She still is a wonderful daughter, sister, friend and now an aunt....even from Heaven.
Love you forever.xxxxxx
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Forgiveness
Often I have been asked if I have forgiven Kelly-Anne's murderer. My answer remains the same....NO. "My heart does not allow myself at this time to forgive someone who has not shown any accountability nor responsibility got this heinous crime." However, I have forgiven someone else. That person is myself. I have finally come to the realization that I have been carrying around alot of guilt for not being a better mother and for not seeing the signs and getting my daughter out of her situation. Why didn't I save my daughter from him ?
This evening, I realize that I was a good mother to an adult daughter and that I did not put a knife in my daughter's brain stem. Only one person did that and he is now in prison....hopefully for the rest of his life. For me to continue to move forward I must forgive myself.
How often in our lives do we question how we were brought up. I view my own upbringing in a way that my parents brought me up the best way they knew how. It was in some ways different that how I brought up my girls. And that is okay as we have evolved differently through the generations.
I knew very little about domestic abuse in 2004. Today I know and understand more. Kelly-Anne always knew I was there for her, but being a victim at the hands of her abuser prevented her from being open about her situation. I know now that that was not my fault. I can no longer say I should of known better......
I forgive myself.......another journey starts tonight.
This evening, I realize that I was a good mother to an adult daughter and that I did not put a knife in my daughter's brain stem. Only one person did that and he is now in prison....hopefully for the rest of his life. For me to continue to move forward I must forgive myself.
How often in our lives do we question how we were brought up. I view my own upbringing in a way that my parents brought me up the best way they knew how. It was in some ways different that how I brought up my girls. And that is okay as we have evolved differently through the generations.
I knew very little about domestic abuse in 2004. Today I know and understand more. Kelly-Anne always knew I was there for her, but being a victim at the hands of her abuser prevented her from being open about her situation. I know now that that was not my fault. I can no longer say I should of known better......
I forgive myself.......another journey starts tonight.
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