Sunday, September 30, 2012

Thinking Back

The years have past us in a flash since that horrible life altering day in October 2004. We have all changed. We  have all moved  on with our lives. But, for Kelly-Anne with all the ambition, life and love inside of her, her life ended abruptly October 3rd. I remember sitting in the limousine while on the drive to the church for her funeral service and looking out the window in  a numbed gaze. I was thinking about all the cars driving alongside of us...just people  going on with their day. Nothing for them was changing, but I sitting in that limo, realized that everything had changed. I was now different that all these other people. The world around me was evolving, but mine had suddenly stopped.

As the years  progressed, I continued to feel different, that I was someone who stood under a black cloud. I was the one the people pointed to, the mother who lost her daughter to a murder. Was it shame, was it embarrassment, was it my fault, what were all this people reallying thinking I wondered. People would stop me  and say oh I saw you on tv or I  heard  you speak at this place....I knew I had to  speak up. I knew I had to be my daughter's voice. I knew women were still being abused and knew that my heart was still torn in shreds. I had to be strong and forge forward, but that  bloody black cloud was still hovering above.

People would ask me how life is. My answer was and still is the same. It is not worst nor better now. It is  simply different. My life was forever changed and with change comes different persspectives and priorities. My goals have changed. I have been more aggressive in business as my dream of being my own boss has finally come to light. Nobody will ever lay me off again as I am in charge of me. As Kim would say when she was little..."you are not the boss of me". Kelly-Anne, I am sure is turning cartwheels knowing that I am now complete in my career. I am in a happy place and joyfully go to work each day. I think back to Kelly-Anne skipping  down the street on her way to school and not that long ago found myself with those same footsteps on my way to work. I had to laugh at myself, but realized that if I could skip my way work, it was a good sign that my life was turning around.

Correctional Services still call to tell me that Morin-Cousineau is having medical escorted visits.I received a call the other day. He visits the doctor on October 2nd. How interesting I thought, that he gets to go out on the same day as the last day of his freedom. The madame calls from the victim's unit, she gives me the information and I jot it  down for my file. I know longer have any pleasantries to say to her. I am polite and say thank you and wish her a good day. I don't bust my head over this issue of escorted outings anymore. I have too many other things that are more important in my life to concern myself with.

I still dream of Kelly-Anne. She is either giving me advise or just being happy in my dreams. Are these messages from her? Everyday as I awake, I thank God for a new day and ask Kelly-Anne to walk with me. She, my faithful daughter is always beside me. I feel her presence and see her  star shining alone above our home. I know it is her.

Why did my daughter leave this earth, why did she have to go. Sometimes I still want to believe that she is on a trip somewhere...adventuring. I still think that if Kelly-Anne had been alive today, she would have moved on  from her relationship with Marty, met someone who would love her, have a great career and maybe even a baby.This would of all have been behind her. But no, the harsh reality is that her life and  dreams ended on October 3rd 2004.

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