Thursday, September 30, 2010

Day 6

Today was a good day. Breakfast out this morning with a good friend, then we did a little shopping at Costco. It seemed that everyone was there today shopping as parking was at a premium. It's what people do on rainy, gloomy days....spend money.

My thoughts brought me back to yesterday's telephone interview as I seemed to pick up on cell phone and call home for messages more of fen that usual. I wait in anticipation to see if I will get a second interview for the job. I know that I am the person for the job, but it's challenging convincing others that I am the one and only best choice.

I also browsed in a magazine and found an interesting idea to display seashells. I have tons of seashells which Kelly-Anne and Kim brought me from their numerous trips away. This craft was about making shadow boxes and displaying the seashells from the ocean where they would of originated from. I looked at my collection and said to myself that I have no way of knowing which ones were from Kelly-Anne. I thought that I could create a collage of hers separately, but that is not going to happen. I will just use the shells appropriate in size and shape and create my shadowboxes.

I also read Rachel's blog. She and Kelly-Anne were best friends. Please take a moment and read her blog at

Rachel shares beautiful stories of their years together. In her latest post, Rachel writes about how she sees girls of Kelly-Anne's stature who also have the curly hair and has to do a double take as she thinks that it could be Kell. Well that has happened to me a few times....boy did my heart ever pound when I had these sightings. Can I please jump out of my dream and have Kelly-Anne come knocking on my front door one day?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Day 5

I am trying to get use of not having any sun shining in the house these days. It's so dismal and wet. It's the time of the year that I load up on vitamin D and calcium.

I had a telephone interview today that lasted one hour for a position in Montreal. I felt I did well and this job would suit my abilities nicely.I really want to work. It's not just about collecting a pay check every two weeks. Itis more than that. It's about being a part of something positive and about working with people. It's in my blood. As much as I have enjoyed my time at home and at the pool this past summer, I really miss the structure in my life of getting up in the morning and making a difference in a workplace.

Kelly-Anne loved also going to work. She had a keen interest in all the jobs which she held in her short life. When I think about Kelly-Anne during her time in San Diego where she worked for a catering company and bakery called The French Gourmet. When she returned to Montreal,she taught me so much about setting up a buffet table. There really is a technique to make a table look presentable. She had the talent for it. She would ride a bicycle to work carrying her pressed white blouse and black skirt. Kelly-Anne wasn't shy to try anything. Her attitude inspires me to not be afraid of new work places, but to embrace the opportunities to learn new things and be with new people. I like these ideals and I just can't wait to start working again.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Day 4

I thought for this week I would try and remove myself from listening to the news or read it. But today, I broke down and since I am a news junkie, I ate my lunch in from of the t.v.

The headlines for today in the Gazette include the following: 1 in 4 Canadians are victims of crime, a 19 year old girl is murdered in a park in B.C., a 15 year old intoxicated girl reports that she was apparently sexually assaulted, a 39 year old chef commits suicide because of something that Chef Gordon Ramsay had said to him while on Hell`s Kitchen, a gunman kills himself at a Texas university campus,a body is found in a burning car and a wall of a building falls and kills a 54 year old man. I think this is enough for one day.

The words that come to mind for all these headlines are Trauma, Grief, Memories, Loss,Anger,Denial,and Pain. Words that I can so easily identify with. It is hard not to feel moved and hurt for these victims and their families as their lives will forever change.

Today, I took photos of the scrapbook which I made last year of Kelly-Anne`s trip to Italy. Making the scrapbook allowed me to come more to terms with the fact that she is no longer alive. I had the tendency to tell myself these past years that Kell was away on vacation or living back in San Diego. It`s all part of the disbelief that one goes through after a trauma, but the scrapbook helped me come to terms with my thoughts and feelings. I have posted some of the pictures. I am so happy that she had the opportunity to travel to Italy. My hopes and dreams are that I will too have the chance to travel to Italy and retrace the route that she took. My friend will come to visit me next week and promises to bring me movies that take place in Italy in the Tuscany region. Two weeks ago I went to see Eat, Pray, Love. The scenery of Italy was beautiful. There was a spot which they shot that I know Kelly-Anne stood there over looking the city of Florence. I had this lump in my throat as I watched this part of the movie and only said to myself how thankful I was that Kelly-Anne had that chance to experience such beauty.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Day 3

I awoke early this morning and made decision that I would keep busy and active this week, but needless to say my plans of going swimming today just didn't happen. I also woke with with a sore throat and head congestion. My hubby had the same thing last week and even up to today he can hardly talk. I feel the same way, so the solitude of my home was very comforting today. I looked outside and at one point the sun shone, but what I noticed was the many colorful leaves now fallen from the trees. It just seems that fall really creeped up on us quite quickly here in Montreal.

I have this "policy" that I don't wear any socks between June 1st and October 1st. Well I don't think I will get to October 1st this year without any socks on! Kelly-Anne too like her bare feet and sockless shoes. She even felt comfortable driving in bare feet! Now that is not something that I can do.

Today after breakfast I prepared a spaghetti sauce. I usually make one each week or two. I just love the herbs and spices in my sauce, not that I could smell them very well today. I also throw in a cup of red wine. I find the wine while simmering for a bit gives a nice rich flavor. While cooking I thought about the meals that Kelly-Anne liked to cook and sadly it brought me back to the last meal that she ever cook. Pork chops and side kick noodles. I said to myself...get that out of my head and think about the meals that she cooked in happier times. At that point I remembered her roast beef dinners garnished with all the trimming. She really was a good cook.

I thought about her again today as I sat with my button box and reorganized it. I have this plastic mauve colored box which has hundreds of the most beautiful buttons. I was thinking about how Kelly-Anne loved to sew and how she would of probably asked me for some of these buttons.

I thought about Thanksgiving weekend and decided to make a reservation in Ontario for our Thanksgiving meal. It's only about 1.5 hours away. Jules and I have been going there for the past two years. It's quaint,old fashion home cooking in the country and I don't have to cook. I had spend so many years cooking meals for the holidays that by the end of the day I was tired and exhausted from everything. It now has come to a point in my life that I want to enjoy the holidays in a more relaxed way. Driving through the autumn breeze and colorful scenery is a better way of doing things. It's about time that will not be wasted over a stove. I always loved Thanksgiving weekend. It was a really big thing while growing up and while the girls were young and my parents were still alive. In 2004, that all changed. Since then, I have been dreading October as for what is now symbolized in being a very sad month. I am trying now to bring myself to appreciate October and it's beauty and to look forward to my birthday and at the end of the month to Kim's birthday.

Tonight after supper, Jules and I will sit and watch our favorite shows while sipping tea. I will surprise him with a couple of baked apples.....we need to warm the soul and start to enjoy the month ahead.....I keep telling myself that Kelly-Anne would expect us to enjoy October but without her here, it isn't easy. Life is not better or worse than prior to October 2004. It's just different. Part of my soul is still lost and very wounded and it is with every step and breath that I take, that I remind myself that I must forge forward, keep strong and love those around me.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Day 2

Today, being such a dull and gloomy fall day, I decided to create pictures frames showing papers that Kelly-Anne which she brought from Italy. I imagine she bought these rolls of decorative art paper with the intention of using them for her gift cards. She loved making cards and was quite creative.She would sign the back of the cards as "KellMark". She wanted to be a direct competitor to Hallmark! Here are the frames which my hubby photographed.

I will make a collage of the gifts cards and post them later this week.

The 6th Anniversay- Day 1

It is early Sunday morning, the wee hours of stillness one might say. It is also one week prior to the fateful Sunday that changed our lives forever. For many of us effected by Kelly-Anne 's death we remember exactly where we were and what we were doing at this time 6 years ago. I thought this year I would try and document each day my feelings and thoughts and actions. This year in particular the dates and days all fall exactly as they were 6 years ago.I find that such an eerie feeling and wonder how I will get through the next few weeks. As usually I will have no choice but to do it one day at a time....well actually one minute at a time.

I'll start now with this morning. I will get some sleep, then wake up and do the usually Sunday morning routine. I will also take in a walk with a neighbour. I have some ideas on crafts and plan to get what I need to create some crafts in honor of Kelly-Anne and her trip to Italy. Once they are completed I will post the pictures. For that I am excited that I have come up with a couple great ideas to showcase some of the articles which she brought back with her from her trip.

This week I plan to keep busy.....swimming,hanging with friends, cooking meals that Jules will be delighted with, watch my favorite t.v. shows, housework, job hunting,crafts, seeing old HBC friends, and of course blogging.

I know that I am loved and supported by many and that gives me peace. Even though the devastating memories are as clear as yesterday,I am reassured by many that I am not alone and as my dear cousin reminded me in an email today...I will see Kelly-Anne again.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

National Day of Rememberance for Murdered Victims

Today we remember all victims of murder in all countries throughout the world. We have all been touched by this subject and for many of us we know someone who has had their life snuffed out from this heinous act of crime. I ask all of you to light a candle in memory of those who are no longer with us.

We will never forget Kelly-Anne and the many many others who lost their lives from people who were controlling, jealous and evil. Many these loved ones who I will call soldiers rest in peace in the eternal gardens in Heaven.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Birthday Gifts

After going through a life altering drama such as loosing a loved one to homicide, we tend to forget about ourselves as we are so often are busy tending to the rest of the family, fighting off depression, learning to accept and live without that special person and grieving his or hers death. One thing that I have noticed since Kelly-Anne's death is that each time around the anniversary I or Jules get physically sick. Is it the change of season or just the post-trauma? The doctor tells me it's post -trauma.

These past couple of weeks have been difficult...the pool is now closed, the leaves are starting to slowly change and the memories of Kelly-Anne preparing for her trip to Italy are still very fresh.

In all of this I only now have received the wake call about my personal responsibilities towards myself. My doctor reminded two weeks ago that I was no longer 30 years old. Yay, right I didn't know that! Don't get me wrong. I have been taking care of myself...yearly check ups, blood work, eating right and exercising. But the fact still remains that at a certain age we all must be aware that we should be having certain tests.

The rule of thumb....age 40: mammogram, age 50: colonoscopy. These are both vital and important tests that can detect certain cancers. Think of it as prevention and as the nicest and best birthday gift you could give yourself.

I had my colonoscopy today. The doctor asked me if he could sedate me. I said no was 15 minutes of a little deep breathing...just like I was in labour. I thought of two things as I laid on the bed...Jesus suffered on the cross longer and harder that I did today and Kelly-Anne suffered physically and emotionally in a way that I will never know, so I said let me go to the fear and live was the least I could do.

Concordia keeps the Kelly-Anne Cup

Again this year the Concordia Women's Rugby team won the Kelly-Anne Cup. The late game goal allowed the Stingers 3 points bring ending the game at 3-0.

Also I am pleased to announce that the generosity was abundant towards the donations collected for Women Aware. Over $1,500.00 was raised to help this wonderful organization in their work against domestic violence.

Another wonderful tribute to Kelly-Anne in keeping her memory alive!

Friday, September 3, 2010

The Kelly-Anne Cup

Concordia Women`s Rugby will host again this year the Kelly-Anne Cup on Wednesday, September 8th at 8:30 p.m. at the Loyola Campus Field on Shebrooke St.west here in Montreal. The entry fee is $5.00 and the proceeds from raffle tickets sold will be donated to Women Aware at non - profit organization helping victims of domestic violence.

Last year Concordia won the cup for the very first time, so I am hoping that they will continue their winning streak.

Kelly-Anne played rugby at Concordia during the time she was studying Communications there. Her memory lives on!

Hope you can attend the event.