Birthday Gifts

After going through a life altering drama such as loosing a loved one to homicide, we tend to forget about ourselves as we are so often are busy tending to the rest of the family, fighting off depression, learning to accept and live without that special person and grieving his or hers death. One thing that I have noticed since Kelly-Anne's death is that each time around the anniversary I or Jules get physically sick. Is it the change of season or just the post-trauma? The doctor tells me it's post -trauma.

These past couple of weeks have been difficult...the pool is now closed, the leaves are starting to slowly change and the memories of Kelly-Anne preparing for her trip to Italy are still very fresh.

In all of this I only now have received the wake call about my personal responsibilities towards myself. My doctor reminded two weeks ago that I was no longer 30 years old. Yay, right ...like I didn't know that! Don't get me wrong. I have been taking care of myself...yearly check ups, blood work, eating right and exercising. But the fact still remains that at a certain age we all must be aware that we should be having certain tests.

The rule of thumb....age 40: mammogram, age 50: colonoscopy. These are both vital and important tests that can detect certain cancers. Think of it as prevention and as the nicest and best birthday gift you could give yourself.

I had my colonoscopy today. The doctor asked me if he could sedate me. I said no meds...it was 15 minutes of a little deep breathing...just like I was in labour. I thought of two things as I laid on the bed...Jesus suffered on the cross longer and harder that I did today and Kelly-Anne suffered physically and emotionally in a way that I will never know, so I said let me go to the fear and live it...it was the least I could do.