Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Forgiveness

Often I have been asked if I have forgiven Kelly-Anne's murderer. My answer remains the same....NO. "My heart  does not allow myself at this time to  forgive someone who  has not shown any accountability nor responsibility got this heinous  crime." However, I have forgiven someone else. That person is myself. I have finally come to the realization  that I have been carrying around alot of guilt for not being a better mother and for not  seeing the signs and getting my daughter out of her situation. Why didn't I save my daughter from him ?

This evening, I  realize that  I was a good mother to an adult daughter and that I did not  put a knife in my daughter's  brain stem. Only one person did that and he is now in  prison....hopefully for the rest of his life. For me to continue to move forward I must forgive myself.

How often in our lives do we question how we were brought  up. I  view my own upbringing in a  way that  my parents  brought me up the best way they knew how. It  was in some ways  different that how I brought  up my girls. And that is okay as we have evolved differently through the  generations.

I knew very little about domestic abuse in 2004. Today I know and understand more. Kelly-Anne always knew I was there for her, but being a victim at the hands of her abuser prevented her from being open about her situation.  I know now that that was not my fault. I can no longer say I should of known better......

I forgive myself.......another journey starts tonight. 

Friday, August 16, 2013

Number 4

I wrote in my last  entry about Kelly-Anne's bathing suit with the number 4 on  it. This evening as I cleaned up a book shelf,  I came across a book about dreams. I found a piece referring to the  meaning of  the number 4. Here it is:

  The symbolic meaning of number Four deals with stability and invokes the grounded nature of all things. Consider the four seasons, four directions, four elements all these amazingly powerful essences wrapped up in the nice square package of Four. Fours represent solidity, calmness, and home. A recurrence of Four in your life may signify the need to get back to your roots, center yourself, or even "plant" yourself. Fours also indicate a need for persistence and endurance. 

How amazing and symbolic all this means to me. In the past couple of years I have returned to a more  rooted, basic lifestyle. Since  last December I have seeked more calmness in my life  by avoiding those who emit negative energy. My home has become more of  the hub....a place of  not  just four walls. I have centered  myself with more discipline and feel very  grounded in myself on a personal and business level.

Kelly-Anne was just giving me a reminder that I am on the right path. She knew I would eventually figure out what the number 4 meant and is probably giggling away as I write this message.

It just goes to  show that  our loved ones who have departed have a way of sending us messages through dreams. It is for us to be opened to read through the lines and understand that the message may not always be immediately clear, but at some point it  eventually will have great  meaning once the puzzle is completed.

I am Always with You

A few weeks agao  I had again the strangest dream. Kelly-Anne seems to be everywhere these days but this dream  left me with a very soothing message.

It was winter and we were on a  chartered bus in a  shopping mall parking lot. Kelly-Anne turned to me and said that she forgot her bathing suit at the pool and that we had to go quickly to  retrieve it from the bottom of the pool. We  got off the bus and ran to the  pool. Her bathing suit with the number 4 on it was  in clear view but at the bottom of the pool. She asked me to get it, but I hestated as I said I could not swim down that  far. Somehow I  leaned over the pool and  picked up the bathing suit...that in my dream was not clear, but I did  have it in my hands. We ran  back to were the bus was only to see that it had departed. We stood there in the parking lot alone together and realized that my car , a black one was parked  nearby. We got in the car and drove away.

Strange as it is, I woke up from that dream and realized again that  she is always with me... we only needed each  other. I retrieved her bathing suit with her help and even though the bus  left without us we still managed to find transportation.

Just wanted to share this with you........I feel inspired , reassured and happy that Kelly-Anne  finds her way into my life on a daily basis to encourage and help me.