October Memories

As a child, well actually for the better part of half of my life, the autumn season  consisted of  colorful leaves carpeting the streets, the celebration of Thanksgiving with extended family, mom 's turkey roasting in the oven and my birthday. Gathering with cousins, a warm sweater and a fresh breeze while walking in the park are memories that I will never forget.

In 1992, that all changed. My dear father at the age of 71 passed away on Thanksgiving weekend after being stricken with cancer six weeks earlier. The cancer took him very quickly and of course our family was not prepared to loose such a wonderful caring man. Thanksgiving was never the same again. I went through the motions, I cooked, went to church and remembered those that were not here with us. I  did it for the girls. As the years  passed, it became easier. Dad was never forgotten on the anniversary.

Fast forward to 2004, we buried Kelly-Anne on Thanksgiving Monday. I was numbed for many years after her horrific death. I could not ever allow myself to enjoy the fall season again. I asked myself  if  I would ever  enjoy the autumn leaves, Thanksgiving or my birthday. It wasn't fair to Kelly-Anne that I celebrate. I was suffering from survivor's guilt.

Today, on the week of the thirteenth anniversary of her passing, I can say that I now enjoy the colorful leaves, the smell of a turkey roasting and giving thanks for another birthday and the years that God entrusted Kelly-Anne to me.

Just last week, I encouraged Paige to walk with me through the leaves as we listened to the crunching sound. I said to her that I loved walking in the leaves when I was her age. Well truth be told, I once again love walking on the leaves. It is called healing,....acceptance and living my life the way Kelly-Anne would expect me to.

On this day  thirteen years ago, I sat in a hospital negotiating with God, any doctor or nurse that would come into the trauma unit to see Kelly-Anne. I wanted a solution to heal my daughter.

On October 5th the  decision to turn off the life support was made. It was an Anglican  ethics nurse who I  knew that helped me make the final decision. Her words and motions are still clear today as they were thirteen years ago. She stood along side me next to where Kelly-Anne laid. She motioned with her arms over Kelly-Anne showing that what was there lying in the bed was a shell and that her soul had already gone to heaven. It was then that we said  goodbye to my beautiful loving daughter.

This week I will shed a tear or two. My daughter did not  die in vain. This Friday the rugby community will remember Kelly-Anne with the Kelly-Anne Cup. The game starts at 7:00 p.m at Concordia field on Sherbrooke St. West in Montreal.  Each year we designate the donation at the door to  Women Aware,  an amazing organization helping women who are victims of domestic abuse. Please try to join us.

                                               Memory eternal Kelly-Anne.