Christmas 2015

It is the time of the year of family gatherings, meeting up with friends and over eating. A time of unity and peace. This Christmas brings me a special joy  that I can only say Kelly-Anne had implicated herself in from afar. I started to work again in an exciting company surrounded by good people. A company where I am able to continue making a difference in other people's lives. I have been truly blessed that this new opportunity literally fell into my lap.

The signs were present from afar that this new position was meant for me. It was as if  Kelly-Anne led me to this company in such an indirect way. Even the first week there, she confirmed to me in her own way that I belonged there. I could just imagine her chuckling to herself with that infectious smile on her face when she realized that I caught on to her messages....all through other people.

Life is strange and after life is even stranger. I consider myself very blessed to have this special connection to  my daughter. It is one that I have never had with any other family member who has passed. Maybe it is because it is so different to loose a child. It is not  how the circle of life is suppose to be.

I am blessed to have Jules, Kim, Joe and Paige. The excitement is mounting as we will be with Paige for Christmas. The baking and Christmas crafts continue this weekend with Paige. I see Christmas through her eyes. Paige is not a fan of Santa and  made it quite clear today as she told her mother "no seeing Santa". I am sure she will be delighted when she sees her presents under  her Christmas tree. Maybe then she will realize that Santa is not such a bad guy after all.

I hope for those of you who have taken the time to read my posts that this Christmas you too can see Christmas through the eyes of a child. Merry Christmas.

Another Awakening

It took the horrors of last week's terrorist attacks in Paris and Beruit for me to come to another step in my healing process. The wise words of a man who lost his wife in the attack at the Batalan hit me so unexpectedly today. His attitude was so spot on....I first  said to myself that this  man is still numb and once the reality of his loss hits, he will feel the hatred and anger. I then said to myself that I have no excuse. I have to separate myself from the hatred and anger I have felt for so long against Kelly-Anne's killer. I can no long entertain these feelings. I cannot allow myself to be a victim of his own hatred and anger.

I choose to to be happy and to live my life to the fullest. The next time he sees me he will know how happy I am. Whether he understands my happiness is not something I really care about. My happiness and my freedom are both important to me...something he will never have.

Last week I receive a phone call from Correctional Services Victim's Services informing me that he was transfered to a maximium security prison because the prison felt he was a security risk. It was only two months ago that he was transfered to a low/medium security prison. My first reaction was how he just can't get his act together and that he must of caused problems. Then I did the happy dance......my dance was my way of saying thanks. My work of keeping him behind bars for as long as possible gets easier.

Tomorrow is soon upon me here in Eastern Standard Time. I look forward to the day and what I will experience. I look foward to living....new things to learn, new people to meet.. even the slightest hello and warm gesture to a stranger in the shopping mall as we hear the sounds of Christmas music will make my day.

Enjoy yours too !

Living the Life of Riley

My Monday morning started off as usual... a load of laundry in the washer, the Keurig turned on for my morning fix and a light breakfast. Of course my coffee always tastes better while checking out the news headlines. Low and behold there he is with a big happy grin on his face...Luka Magnotta.

The Montreal Gazette recounts  letters that  Magnotta had written to friends about  his life in prison. I read it once and that was enough to tell me once again that our tax dollars are making a lot of prison inmates happy campers in their university frat house lifestyle. Access to movies, junk food,"good" prison food, pizza parties and fun times exercising and keeping in shape while many Canadian families struggle to feed, educate, dress their children in non- Versace clothing while trying to keep them active in sporting activities.

To say the least, I am personally insulted....another slap in the face for the victims of homicide and in particular the family of Lin Jun. I understand that the media has the right to choose what they want to present to the  public but sorry, this article is hurtful as many families of victims will  read it and ask why is this being allowed. Our children are dead because of these monsters and they are living the Life of Riley while we pass each day of the rest of our lives missing our  loved ones and trying to cope and be productive citizens.

Not to mention how Magnotta  and Cousineau and many other inmates have easy access to medical doctors. Magnotta recounts that his doctors are great. Cousineau recently was transferred to a prison closer to his doctors while we all wait for doctors appointments which take months.

I only hope and pray that Justin Trudeau will bring change to our Justice system. Prison should not be a frat house nor Club Med. The Canadian prison  system is a mockery and an insult. 

Forging forward...my voice will be heard.

The Little Red Dinosaur

The falling of colorful autumn leaves around our property reminds us that October is soon approaching. A month for most of my life that I enjoyed, now is a deep reminder of the pain and sadness that took over our lives in 2004.

Each year we remember Kelly-Anne, her trip to Italy, the strained relationship with her boyfriend, the hidden torment that was going on inside of her. Throughout the years, our lives have taken on new meaning, there have been new beginnings, new challenges and opportunities, new sorrows and new loves.

My biggest new love is Paige. She has grown into a beautiful, well adjusted, articulate bright child. Each time I boast of her accomplishments to a close friend, he responses to me by asking if I have submitted an application for her to Harvard yet. Of course, my response is yes!

Paige started pre-school today with the same gusto and excitement that Kelly-Anne had on her first day of Kindergarten. She took along her little red dinosaur as Kim tells me that Paige says

"aunt Kell gave me". Kim tells me that Paige knows the dinosaur will keep her safe. 

My emotions have taken the best me...more tears again this morning. Yesterday, I was cleaning the family room. I came across all of  Kelly-Anne's greeting cards that were in a clear unsecured plastic bag. Once I  placed them in a better bag and finished cleaning up the room, I  notice a tiny square piece of paper lying on the sofa. I  picked it up and there was a break down of a cost analyst referring to what it cost to make a greeting card all in Kelly-Anne's hand writing. I honestly do not know how this tiny piece of paper got to the sofa as I did not see it fall from the bag of greeting cards. I was stunned since I had never seen this this note before. I sat on the sofa in disbelief as I read it over and realized that Kelly-Anne had purposely put this paper on the sofa for me to read. The message, only Jules and I would understand, was very clear to me. The message gave me the reassurance and hope that  something  good was soon to happen. 

Kelly-Anne is never far....the good angel protecting her family and friends. As this weekend approaches, I ask all of you to pray in thanksgiving for your life, the lives of others who have left this earth and for peace in our world. May her memory be eternal !

Un Tueur Si Proche

Last  August, Pixcom Productions started the filming of Kelly-Anne's story. We spent a stressful day being interviewed and filmed about who Kelly-Anne was and what our expectations are going  forward regarding her killer's incarceration.

Finally the documentary will be aired on Canal D on Friday, September 18th 2015 at 20:00 hrs and again on Saturday, September 19th at 13:00 hrs. I have mixed emotions about seeing the episode. Many  questions come to mind...who will play the roles of Kelly-Anne and Martin. How will I be perceived. Will my French  be understood? And lastly, how will the attack on Kelly-Anne  be portrayed.

The production company sent me a letter and suggested that those close to Kelly-Anne not watch it alone. I can only  assumed it will be dramatic and emotional. I can handle it. I know I can with a few tears. My husband will be with me along with a good friend.

It is not only I that will be on screen. Kelly-Anne's father, Martin's mother, the defence lawyer and our lead detective will speak. Hopefully the story will impact the community; especially women who are in abusive relationships. If one women is saved, then we have done our job.

The link  is the following.  Excerpts may be on line after the being televised. for those who are not able to get Canal D in  their regions.





http://www.canald.com/emissions/un-tueur-si-proche-1.1195955?tab=episodes&episode=1442620800

A Short Visit

Ever so softly Kelly-Anne stroked my right hand this morning as I lightly slept. She woke me as the sun shone through our bedroom window. As I awoke, I knew she was nearby. Her message was clear, it was time to wake up and face the the new day with optimism and hope.

Another bright summer morning. I feel renewed, strong and ready to meet new people and see new places. A new challenge awaits me.

I know Kelly-Anne has my back.

Orphaned

Two children age  four and three months  have lost their parents. This is tragic, the murder last week of Samantha Higgins is so upsetting, so painful and senseless. Looking at  Samantha's mother's face only brings back the despair and emptiness that I once  felt. She and her family have a long road ahead of them.

 In most murder cases of this nature, the boyfriend is the first  person the police look at. I  question  like many what happened that night. Who was minding the children as they slept ? Did  he leave them alone ?  These children have lost their mother and father. A first degree murder charge will keep  Nicholas Fontainelli in  prison forever, I hope. Those children need the love and support of their extended  family.

There is  so much we do not know at this point, but the story will unfold in court. I just hope that the accused takes responsibility for the crime and pleads guilty. It is wish full thinking on my part, but it is the only way the family can be spared a lengthy trial. Canadian laws protect the accused until proven guilty. Even if he is convicted, Fontainelli will have a month to request an appeal.

As I have said on many an occasion, our laws need to be more like the United States. However with the new crime bill, this accused should  remain behind bars with no eligibility for  parole. These are the people we do not want on our streets ever. It becomes a larger financial burden for Canadians to house these offenders, but I feel it is best that we protect our streets.

Now it is time for the Higgins family to get the support they need to help them understand what lies ahead. I wish them courage and strength.  Rest in peace Samantha.

The Innocent

He was unhappy that he was getting a divorce. He had children and the youngest was only 10 months old. An innocent babe with no one to protect him from a father that couldn't deal  with rejection and God only knows what else.  We learnt of this murder-suicide a few days after another man with financial issues takes down a notary  and a lawyer, both in the prime of their lives. The man returns home and kills his two sons and then ends his own  life. I have said it before and now will repeat myself...if you can't cope with life and do not want to live and face your hardships and feel that ending your life is the only recourse you have...well I ask that you  leave everyone else alone especially your wife and children and just  leave this world however you choose to do so. 

The father kills his innocent baby as revenge so his wife and remaining children can live in pain for the rest of their lives.This irrational blinded thinking is something that I still  have a difficult time to grasp. This is domestic abuse at its worst. 

I can only think that people who commit murder-suicide are so blinded. All they see are four black walls that surround them. They cannot see pass those walls and have a way of hiding their true feelings or intentions. The cover up of being the nice neighbour. It is true we do not know what goes on in other peoples homes. Abuse is so loud to the people who live inside these walls but so silent to those who walk pass and admire the pretty flower beds that line their front doors.

Everyone has a cross to bear. I feel that I have faced the worst. When I listen to others tell me about their problems (and for some strange reason people have a way of opening up to me) I see that their problems do  have solutions. However, for them they have a very difficult time believing that there is a solution. I understand these people. For them this is the biggest challenge that they have ever faced and I won't minimize their pain.To truly understand one's pain one must have to walk in their shoes. And of course we don't wish that on anyone. At lease I don't.

And the Signs were Present.....

This past weekend of sun, joy, laughter and tears will never be forgotten. It was quite a wedding. Different from the traditional perspective of how many of us have been brought up, but it was REALLY Kim and Joe's wedding.

And  through it all, Kelly-Anne was present. The signs were all there. We checked in at our hotel only to be given the pass card to room number 128. I chuckled....of all the rooms in the hotel we got one with the number 28 in it...Both Kelly-Anne and Kim were born on the 28th of the month.  We proceeded to the room and opened the door to be greeted with a vase sitting so perfectly on a shelf filled with pussy willows and tiny shining  rocks. At that point I stopped dead in my tracks. I still have the  pussy willows that Kelly-Anne  once owned now sitting  in a vase on a shelf in our bedroom at home. Looking at the  rocks, it reminded me of the little rocks on Kelly-Anne's plaque at the cemetery. It is a Jewish tradition to leave rocks at a cemetery when one visits. It is suppose to let the person who has passed know that someone has visited.

On the wedding day, my dearest friend  and her husband joined us at Kim and Joe's house before proceeding to the ceremony. She had not seen my granddaughter since her baptism. My friend remarked to me that that as she laid  eyes on Paige, all she saw was Kelly-Anne. As I  have said before, God allowed the soul of Kelly-Anne to be put into Paige. No one can tell me differently on that subject !

At the pond, the wind  blew ever so slightly that my husband Jules felt the breeze across his face and wept. I held onto his arm to comfort him while my throat swelled with emotion.

At the dinner afterwards, the bridesmaid stood to make a toast  to Kelly-Anne. I though that was very dear and kind of her to do so. Kelly-Anne will never be forgotten no matter  what happens in our lives. She is such a  big part of everything that is happening to all of us. I truly believe she  smiled and danced for her sister and  embraced the joy of the day. Never far is she...... to those that believe.

An Opportunity Denied

Last evening we decided to have an earlier dinner as hubby and I still had to decide what to pack for our weekend away. As such Canadian weather can sometimes surprise us even though the weather network is calling for a summer like weekend. 

As I start to poke at my colorful dinner plate of arugula salad and grilled chicken or what  Jules would call grass or rabbit  food, he decided to start  our supper conversation with " So, do you think you will be okay on Saturday? " Do you think you will cry? I wondered for a moment where that was coming from, then he said which of course  brought my heart to my throat..."Kelly-Anne should of had a chance to have had this too." As my throat seized up and my eyes swelled with tears, I replied,  "yes you are right, she should of have had this opportunity to marry."

Our conversation went into a stand still and dinner  continued with a  rerun of Two and a Half Men. I thought  how deep Jules thinking is at times. I think he made these comments because he senses greatly the loss we will face even tomorrow as Kim weds. Kelly-Anne should of been by her sister's side on her very special day. Kelly-Anne should of had a chance to have met a partner who would of loved her to the moon and back, but no her life was ripped away.

I remember today all other women who should of had an opportunity to be loved and not murdered. These women, like Kelly-Anne did not deserve the treatment they received  from men who decided to intervene in God's plan. An abundant  life denied of love, family, careers and adventure.

I am thankful that tomorrow Kim will have standing beside her loving friends and family. The sun will shine and I will look for that ever so  slight breeze off the  off the pond. It will be Kelly-Anne's message that she is near and dancing for her sister.

Life Means Life

 Time has flown passed me in a flash since my last post. Getting over Maya's death  was not easy. We finally adjusted to not having her around us. I think Jules was more concerned about Sylvester and Naji falling into a depression, but cats like humans have  a certain resilience.

February brought me an unexpected invitation to meet and address Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Minister Steven Blanley. I spoke about my recent visit to the parole hearing this past November and I  made a few suggestions  about what should be changed regarding  the laws governing eligibility for parole. My suggestions were heard !

Later that day  I attended a press conference where the  Prime Minister announced that  the Charter for Victims Rights would be passed in the House of Commons. For him and the Conservatives, life means life. Going forward it will be much more difficult for someone  to get paroled if they  are repeat offenders. It is all good. We are moving in the right direction. I commented to one of his staffers that this present government is the first government in my  life ( and I  have had many prime ministers!) that has actually recognized victims of crime and is  working  towards making the necessary changes to better protect Canadians. It was a wonderful opportunity to be in the company of the  Prime Minister. I truly appreciated the day and was honored to have been invited.

Last week, I officially finished working. My office was sold and I spent many a day training the new owners on the ins and outs of the business. It is bittersweet. The past three years were the best time of my  professional life. I learnt so much, met wonderful people, saw our beautiful creations of God almost every day. I am now in transition. Only God knows what lies ahead, but I can honestly say I am not worried.  I will end up in the right place. Another adventure awaits me ! Another job where I can continue to make a difference in other  people's lives..... it is  the only job I will accept.

It seems that since leaving work I have not had a minute of quiet time. Spring cleaning, exercising, swimming  and preparing for a very special wedding next week. Kim & Joe will marry. I look forward to this joyous day, but know my heart will be heavy not having Kelly-Anne with us. I know I have to smile and embrace the day and the love that  shines between my daughter and her wonderful partner. They both deserve the day to be beautiful and happy. I know Kelly-Anne will be beaming from Heaven and sending  love to her sister in  her very own special  way.

Maya

On January 27th Jules and I tearfully said our goodbyes to Maya our almost 15 year old cat. Maya came into our lives via Kelly-Anne and Kim. According to Kelly-Anne, I needed a new friend. Maya soon became the head of the household. She was curious and into mischief in her  kitten years. We enjoyed her spunk and playfulness. She was one of my best friends.

We had many occasions to do girls things. It may sound funny but there were times she would sit on the bed as I tried on various outfits trying to decide which one to wear. She patiently would sit there watching my fashion show. Once she was satisfied with what I had on, she would  jump off the bed and leave the bedroom. I would  laugh and say to myself  that she likes what I am wearing or she is just just plain fed up with my indecisiveness. Maya also loved being in the spot light. Whenever a reporter or cameraman came to the house, Maya somehow find a way to interrupt filming. She would either get her face in front of the camera or try to claw away at a chair. She knew that I would stop and  yell at her resulting in another interruption.

The reality is that Maya consumed our lives joyfully. She tolerated a little brother and eventually a little sister. She greeted us up to a day or two prior to her passing at the front door upon our return from work. She was in charge of the house and was  respected by her siblings.

There is a void in the house. We are adapting. I do know that Maya is in a better place where  she has no pain. She has been reunited with Kelly-Anne. They can now continue to play ball as I clearly remember like it was just yesterday Kelly-Anne throwing a ball at Maya to run and catch.

Saying goodbye to Maya felt like again we came full circle with Kelly-Anne. Maya was part of our history, she was a part of Kelly-Anne. Our little cat angel. Rest in  peace.