Let us believe that tomorrow is always a new day with no mistakes in it...... Kelly-Anne believed that.
Let us believe that we will all be kinder and more compassionate to each other...Kelly-Anne believed that.
Let us believe that women will break away from the chains that hold them to abusive relationships ...Kelly-Anne taught us that.
Let us believe that our justice system will support women who are in abusive relationships and that justice will prevail.......Kelly-Anne's voice was heard in court.
Let us believe that through the media we will be reminded of those who are victims and those who are the aggressors........Kelly-Anne's story was a constant reminder.
Let us believe that women will continue to educate themselves and become the women that they want to be......Kelly-Anne wanted that.
Let us believe that women will no longer be silent as an abused women is the only one hearing the noise and feeling the pain that surrounds her........Kelly-Anne lived that.
I believe that my daughter, Kelly-Anne has taught me how to live, love and listen. I thank her everyday for being beside me as I go about my life. As I smile, I also cry.
Thank you, Kelly-Anne for giving me the courage to be your voice as your mother. Thank you for being in my life for 24 years. You taught me so much. xxx xxx
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
That Last Conversation
That last conversation I will never forget was on October 2nd 2004. Kelly- Anne was at her father's house and she called to say hi as we had not had a chance to catch up since her return form Italy. She was happy. She had supper at her father's and Marty was not there. He had something else to do.
Kelly-Anne recounted to me a little about her trip and about the things she had bought for herself and me.Towards the end of the conversation I asked her how Marty was. Her answer was > Mom, I need to be more respectful to him>. I have mentioned this statement in previous posts. I was floored when I heard her say these words. I bit my tongue and said I had to go to bed and would speak again soon. I didn't not want to start an argument. Here I was walking on eggshells with my daughter, knowing full well that she did not need to be more respectful to Marty, but what I didn't understand at that time was that her words were a true sign of domestic violence and control.
That was my last physical conversation with her.
For all the women out there who think that you need to be more respectful to your partner, please wake up and understand that this is what your partner expects you to do. You are being controlled in a way which is called abuse. This is a red flag sign letting you know that your are in a potentially dangerous situation.You have been brainwashed,belittled and demoralized to believe that you are not respectful enough and that your partner's words are what controls you as a person and your very distorted relationship. If you are reading this blog and you are not a women who is being abused, please refer my blog to women who you feel are being abused. Please educate yourself on domestic abuse, even if you are not in a relationship. Know the signs and be vigilant towards your family and friends who you feel could be victims of abuse.
I have too many regrets that I should of known better. I can now only be the voice of Kelly-Anne and and openly tell others not to allow yourself into this web of abuse. That is what Kelly-Anne would tell you today if she were here to tell her story.
Kelly-Anne recounted to me a little about her trip and about the things she had bought for herself and me.Towards the end of the conversation I asked her how Marty was. Her answer was > Mom, I need to be more respectful to him>. I have mentioned this statement in previous posts. I was floored when I heard her say these words. I bit my tongue and said I had to go to bed and would speak again soon. I didn't not want to start an argument. Here I was walking on eggshells with my daughter, knowing full well that she did not need to be more respectful to Marty, but what I didn't understand at that time was that her words were a true sign of domestic violence and control.
That was my last physical conversation with her.
For all the women out there who think that you need to be more respectful to your partner, please wake up and understand that this is what your partner expects you to do. You are being controlled in a way which is called abuse. This is a red flag sign letting you know that your are in a potentially dangerous situation.You have been brainwashed,belittled and demoralized to believe that you are not respectful enough and that your partner's words are what controls you as a person and your very distorted relationship. If you are reading this blog and you are not a women who is being abused, please refer my blog to women who you feel are being abused. Please educate yourself on domestic abuse, even if you are not in a relationship. Know the signs and be vigilant towards your family and friends who you feel could be victims of abuse.
I have too many regrets that I should of known better. I can now only be the voice of Kelly-Anne and and openly tell others not to allow yourself into this web of abuse. That is what Kelly-Anne would tell you today if she were here to tell her story.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
There You'll Be
Yesterday we attended a beautiful wedding of close family friends. The groom danced with his mother to this song below by Faith Hill. Each time I hear it, I have a melt down. This song I dedicate to Kelly-Anne on the eight anniversary of her passing.
"There You'll Be"
"There You'll Be"
When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me
[Repeat chorus]
'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always
[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
There you'll be
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me
[Repeat chorus]
'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always
[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
There you'll be
Thinking Back
The years have past us in a flash since that horrible life altering day in October 2004. We have all changed. We have all moved on with our lives. But, for Kelly-Anne with all the ambition, life and love inside of her, her life ended abruptly October 3rd. I remember sitting in the limousine while on the drive to the church for her funeral service and looking out the window in a numbed gaze. I was thinking about all the cars driving alongside of us...just people going on with their day. Nothing for them was changing, but I sitting in that limo, realized that everything had changed. I was now different that all these other people. The world around me was evolving, but mine had suddenly stopped.
As the years progressed, I continued to feel different, that I was someone who stood under a black cloud. I was the one the people pointed to, the mother who lost her daughter to a murder. Was it shame, was it embarrassment, was it my fault, what were all this people reallying thinking I wondered. People would stop me and say oh I saw you on tv or I heard you speak at this place....I knew I had to speak up. I knew I had to be my daughter's voice. I knew women were still being abused and knew that my heart was still torn in shreds. I had to be strong and forge forward, but that bloody black cloud was still hovering above.
People would ask me how life is. My answer was and still is the same. It is not worst nor better now. It is simply different. My life was forever changed and with change comes different persspectives and priorities. My goals have changed. I have been more aggressive in business as my dream of being my own boss has finally come to light. Nobody will ever lay me off again as I am in charge of me. As Kim would say when she was little..."you are not the boss of me". Kelly-Anne, I am sure is turning cartwheels knowing that I am now complete in my career. I am in a happy place and joyfully go to work each day. I think back to Kelly-Anne skipping down the street on her way to school and not that long ago found myself with those same footsteps on my way to work. I had to laugh at myself, but realized that if I could skip my way work, it was a good sign that my life was turning around.
Correctional Services still call to tell me that Morin-Cousineau is having medical escorted visits.I received a call the other day. He visits the doctor on October 2nd. How interesting I thought, that he gets to go out on the same day as the last day of his freedom. The madame calls from the victim's unit, she gives me the information and I jot it down for my file. I know longer have any pleasantries to say to her. I am polite and say thank you and wish her a good day. I don't bust my head over this issue of escorted outings anymore. I have too many other things that are more important in my life to concern myself with.
I still dream of Kelly-Anne. She is either giving me advise or just being happy in my dreams. Are these messages from her? Everyday as I awake, I thank God for a new day and ask Kelly-Anne to walk with me. She, my faithful daughter is always beside me. I feel her presence and see her star shining alone above our home. I know it is her.
Why did my daughter leave this earth, why did she have to go. Sometimes I still want to believe that she is on a trip somewhere...adventuring. I still think that if Kelly-Anne had been alive today, she would have moved on from her relationship with Marty, met someone who would love her, have a great career and maybe even a baby.This would of all have been behind her. But no, the harsh reality is that her life and dreams ended on October 3rd 2004.
As the years progressed, I continued to feel different, that I was someone who stood under a black cloud. I was the one the people pointed to, the mother who lost her daughter to a murder. Was it shame, was it embarrassment, was it my fault, what were all this people reallying thinking I wondered. People would stop me and say oh I saw you on tv or I heard you speak at this place....I knew I had to speak up. I knew I had to be my daughter's voice. I knew women were still being abused and knew that my heart was still torn in shreds. I had to be strong and forge forward, but that bloody black cloud was still hovering above.
People would ask me how life is. My answer was and still is the same. It is not worst nor better now. It is simply different. My life was forever changed and with change comes different persspectives and priorities. My goals have changed. I have been more aggressive in business as my dream of being my own boss has finally come to light. Nobody will ever lay me off again as I am in charge of me. As Kim would say when she was little..."you are not the boss of me". Kelly-Anne, I am sure is turning cartwheels knowing that I am now complete in my career. I am in a happy place and joyfully go to work each day. I think back to Kelly-Anne skipping down the street on her way to school and not that long ago found myself with those same footsteps on my way to work. I had to laugh at myself, but realized that if I could skip my way work, it was a good sign that my life was turning around.
Correctional Services still call to tell me that Morin-Cousineau is having medical escorted visits.I received a call the other day. He visits the doctor on October 2nd. How interesting I thought, that he gets to go out on the same day as the last day of his freedom. The madame calls from the victim's unit, she gives me the information and I jot it down for my file. I know longer have any pleasantries to say to her. I am polite and say thank you and wish her a good day. I don't bust my head over this issue of escorted outings anymore. I have too many other things that are more important in my life to concern myself with.
I still dream of Kelly-Anne. She is either giving me advise or just being happy in my dreams. Are these messages from her? Everyday as I awake, I thank God for a new day and ask Kelly-Anne to walk with me. She, my faithful daughter is always beside me. I feel her presence and see her star shining alone above our home. I know it is her.
Why did my daughter leave this earth, why did she have to go. Sometimes I still want to believe that she is on a trip somewhere...adventuring. I still think that if Kelly-Anne had been alive today, she would have moved on from her relationship with Marty, met someone who would love her, have a great career and maybe even a baby.This would of all have been behind her. But no, the harsh reality is that her life and dreams ended on October 3rd 2004.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Swimming Pool Dangers
During the past few weeks in Montreal and the surrounding areas we have heard about young toddlers drowning in backyard pools. Each time I heard that this tragedy has happened only brings me to feel deeply saddened about the loss of these very young children. Actually I feel heart broken which brings me back to my own sudden loss of Kelly-Anne. A loss is a loss no matter the circumstances, but knowing that these young parents are going through the same as what Kelly-Anne's family went through leaves me feeling ill. That gut wrenching pain returns and who better understand the families of these children better that myself or anyone who has walked in my shoes.
In a matter of a couple of seconds these families lives have now forever changed. The guilt, the blame, the I should of known better, the I am a bad parent will torment these parents for a long time to come.
Why did these drownings happen? Where were the parents at the time of the drowning? Why was the child allow to enter the pool? Was there a proper security fence around the pool? Did the adult suddenly become distracted? At the end of the day, these children lost their lives in what was suppose to be a family fun pool. Those families will never look at the pool in same way again, and I would not be surprised if they all eventually move out of their homes.
Thinking back to when the girls were young brings me to the days when we had an above ground pool in our back yard. We moved into the house when Kelly-Anne and Kim were 6 and 5 respectfully. Ground rules were set in place. I even remember hiring someone to give the girls swimming lessons in the pool. Their friends would came over to swim and frolic and so did their parents. Never were the girls or their friends out of view. The pool was accessible by a ladder that when not in use was raised. The deck was not attached to the pool. There was a link fence that enclosed the back yard. All security measures were in place and the rules were followed and respected by all.
Little toddlers move quickly. They have to be supervised at all times and swimming lessons are a must. Even if the parents are not keen on swimming they must set aside their own feelings and allow their children to have lessons. I can remember myself as a young child being bused from elementary school once a week to an indoor pool where we were given lessons.I am going back to the early 60s but even then knowing how to swim was important. The school made it their responsibility to make swimming a part of the gym program. Swimming lessons should be just as important as leaning to read and write.
Kelly-Anne and Kim learnt to swim early in life and I do not have to tell you how accomplished they both were and as Kim is still today in the pool.
Each family who owns a backyard pool and has a young family needs to:
1. establish ground rules for the children and for visitors
2. ensure that the children get swimming lessons
3. ensure that there is ALWAYS an adult supervising the pool
4. surround the pool with the proper fencing and a secure lock
5. ensure that the adults supervising are not taken up with distractions
6. ensure tht if the child is in the house, that they cannot on their own leave by an opened door
Remember, we never leave a toddler alone in a bathtub, so why would be leave one alone near a pool.
Have a safe and fun summer with your families.
In a matter of a couple of seconds these families lives have now forever changed. The guilt, the blame, the I should of known better, the I am a bad parent will torment these parents for a long time to come.
Why did these drownings happen? Where were the parents at the time of the drowning? Why was the child allow to enter the pool? Was there a proper security fence around the pool? Did the adult suddenly become distracted? At the end of the day, these children lost their lives in what was suppose to be a family fun pool. Those families will never look at the pool in same way again, and I would not be surprised if they all eventually move out of their homes.
Thinking back to when the girls were young brings me to the days when we had an above ground pool in our back yard. We moved into the house when Kelly-Anne and Kim were 6 and 5 respectfully. Ground rules were set in place. I even remember hiring someone to give the girls swimming lessons in the pool. Their friends would came over to swim and frolic and so did their parents. Never were the girls or their friends out of view. The pool was accessible by a ladder that when not in use was raised. The deck was not attached to the pool. There was a link fence that enclosed the back yard. All security measures were in place and the rules were followed and respected by all.
Little toddlers move quickly. They have to be supervised at all times and swimming lessons are a must. Even if the parents are not keen on swimming they must set aside their own feelings and allow their children to have lessons. I can remember myself as a young child being bused from elementary school once a week to an indoor pool where we were given lessons.I am going back to the early 60s but even then knowing how to swim was important. The school made it their responsibility to make swimming a part of the gym program. Swimming lessons should be just as important as leaning to read and write.
Kelly-Anne and Kim learnt to swim early in life and I do not have to tell you how accomplished they both were and as Kim is still today in the pool.
Each family who owns a backyard pool and has a young family needs to:
1. establish ground rules for the children and for visitors
2. ensure that the children get swimming lessons
3. ensure that there is ALWAYS an adult supervising the pool
4. surround the pool with the proper fencing and a secure lock
5. ensure that the adults supervising are not taken up with distractions
6. ensure tht if the child is in the house, that they cannot on their own leave by an opened door
Remember, we never leave a toddler alone in a bathtub, so why would be leave one alone near a pool.
Have a safe and fun summer with your families.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Remembering Janet, Kelly-Anne and Anne-Marie
Here is an article that I would like to share with you. Brenda O'Farrell remembers Janet Kuchinsky, Kelly-Anne and Anne-Marie Edward. It is articles like this that help us to continue to remember those who have lost their lives through selfish, senseless acts acts of crime. We need to remember how these three beautiful talented women died, but equally too how they lived their lives and what contributions they made to their communities. I had the good fortune to have met Janet a few weeks prior to her death. The Grier Park Memorial is a constant reminder to all that pass through the park that violence of any kind cannot be tolerated in our society.
Somewhere in the files of the Montreal Police major crimes division is a folder with Janet Kuchinsky’s name on it. Her dossier is what is referred to as a cold case.
Kuchinsky was a 42-year-old mother of three who was bludgeoned to death just off a bicycle path at the north end of Sources Blvd. in Pierrefonds on July 10, 1999. No one has ever been charged with her murder.
She had left her home just after 6 p.m. July 10 to go out on one of her frequent walks. According to reports, police suspect she was killed soon after. Her body was found the next day.
There was no evidence of sexual assault, and theft was ruled out as a possible motive for the attack. During the course of the investigation, many tips were followed. But all led to dead-ends. A $20,000 reward was posted for information leading to the arrest of a suspect went unclaimed.
So the question remains unanswered: Who killed Janet Kuchinsky?
I was reminded of this case last week by a colleague. The topic came up in the wake of the news of an attack on a female cyclist in Longueuil. The events in these cases seem so random. There is no apparent reason for why they happened. And that is perhaps why these stories stick in our minds.
A park bench in Grier Park in Pierrefonds bears Kuchinsky’s name. It was installed in October 2005 as a memorial. It is one of three benches that pay tribute to other Pierrefonds women who were victims of a violet death: Anne-Marie Edward, one of the 14 victims of the massacre at École Polytechnique on Dec. 6, 1989; and Kelly-Anne Drummond, a 24-year-old daycare educator who was stabbed in the back during a domestic dispute on Oct. 3, 2004. She died of her injuries two days later in hospital.
When Kuchinsky’s bench was unveiled, the pro-mayor of the Pierrefonds-Roxboro borough, Bert Ward, said the memorials provide a place where people can sit, meditate and pray. The best thing these memorials do, I think, is serve as a reminder.
And as the 13th anniversary of Kuchinsky’s death approaches, we need this reminder. As time marches on, we need occasions to pause. We might never know the answers to certain questions. We might never learn the reason behind what appears to us as the randomness of others. But as long as we remember, we continue to mourn a little and heal a little bit more.
I welcome your comments.
Brenda O’Farrell
Somewhere in the files of the Montreal Police major crimes division is a folder with Janet Kuchinsky’s name on it. Her dossier is what is referred to as a cold case.
Kuchinsky was a 42-year-old mother of three who was bludgeoned to death just off a bicycle path at the north end of Sources Blvd. in Pierrefonds on July 10, 1999. No one has ever been charged with her murder.
She had left her home just after 6 p.m. July 10 to go out on one of her frequent walks. According to reports, police suspect she was killed soon after. Her body was found the next day.
There was no evidence of sexual assault, and theft was ruled out as a possible motive for the attack. During the course of the investigation, many tips were followed. But all led to dead-ends. A $20,000 reward was posted for information leading to the arrest of a suspect went unclaimed.
So the question remains unanswered: Who killed Janet Kuchinsky?
I was reminded of this case last week by a colleague. The topic came up in the wake of the news of an attack on a female cyclist in Longueuil. The events in these cases seem so random. There is no apparent reason for why they happened. And that is perhaps why these stories stick in our minds.
A park bench in Grier Park in Pierrefonds bears Kuchinsky’s name. It was installed in October 2005 as a memorial. It is one of three benches that pay tribute to other Pierrefonds women who were victims of a violet death: Anne-Marie Edward, one of the 14 victims of the massacre at École Polytechnique on Dec. 6, 1989; and Kelly-Anne Drummond, a 24-year-old daycare educator who was stabbed in the back during a domestic dispute on Oct. 3, 2004. She died of her injuries two days later in hospital.
When Kuchinsky’s bench was unveiled, the pro-mayor of the Pierrefonds-Roxboro borough, Bert Ward, said the memorials provide a place where people can sit, meditate and pray. The best thing these memorials do, I think, is serve as a reminder.
And as the 13th anniversary of Kuchinsky’s death approaches, we need this reminder. As time marches on, we need occasions to pause. We might never know the answers to certain questions. We might never learn the reason behind what appears to us as the randomness of others. But as long as we remember, we continue to mourn a little and heal a little bit more.
I welcome your comments.
Brenda O’Farrell
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Magestic Jasper and Family
It has been a while since I last blogged. We returned from the west and life resumed to its busy days with retuning to work, facing the loss of my dear aunt, medical issues to address and taking care of one of my best friend's two cats as she toured Switzeralnd. Oh such is life! However, seeing Kim in her new life gave us a respite from our crazy life here in Montreal. Life is so much different out west. Kim has certainly found her place surrounded by great new friends, a job which she loves, a great boyfriend along with his wonderful family and friends who all welcomed us with open arms.
Shopping was fun, the sites were great and a highlight was a short trip to Jasper Park. The mountains were still snow capped and we were delighted to see the mountain goats poised on the cliffs allowing many tourists an opportunity to take a few snap shots. While driving through the mountains, I could only think about Kelly-Anne and realized that she never got to see the mountains. She would of loved the sights. I am fortuante to have had that chance to see Jasper and know that on our next trip out west we will make the time to see more of our beautiful Rockies.
I noticed as we arrived at Kim's home how quiet it is. The noise level of the city is no where to be heard. It is such a drastic difference to where we live. Everywhere one looks there is sure to be a pick up truck near by. Jules counted 12 in the parking lot at the hotel one evening. Apparently it's the thing to own a pick up even if one doesn't actually need one for work purposes.
We flew for the first time on Westjet. That was an experience in itself and have to say the staff on both flights were super. It's the only way to fly across Canada! We found it touching as we were pulling out of the gate in Montreal that at least a dozen Westjet ground crew were standing in a row all waving goodbye to our plane. A simple gesture with a nice touchy good feeling.
There is something to be said about taking a short trip. It's nice to get away and change the routine, but also nice to return home. That being said, the memories of Kelly-Anne and the thoughts of her not being with us on this trip were there. I was having a good time and had to remind myself that I was allowed to enjoy myself and that she would expect me to do so. Even after almost nine years that is still hard to do sometimes.
Being out west allowed me to see Kim's life and now I can sit back and not be so stressed about she being so far away. It was the best thing for her to settle in the west and I believe that any young person should go west and pursue their dreams. In my humble opinion, it is really better than living in Quebec!
Shopping was fun, the sites were great and a highlight was a short trip to Jasper Park. The mountains were still snow capped and we were delighted to see the mountain goats poised on the cliffs allowing many tourists an opportunity to take a few snap shots. While driving through the mountains, I could only think about Kelly-Anne and realized that she never got to see the mountains. She would of loved the sights. I am fortuante to have had that chance to see Jasper and know that on our next trip out west we will make the time to see more of our beautiful Rockies.
I noticed as we arrived at Kim's home how quiet it is. The noise level of the city is no where to be heard. It is such a drastic difference to where we live. Everywhere one looks there is sure to be a pick up truck near by. Jules counted 12 in the parking lot at the hotel one evening. Apparently it's the thing to own a pick up even if one doesn't actually need one for work purposes.
We flew for the first time on Westjet. That was an experience in itself and have to say the staff on both flights were super. It's the only way to fly across Canada! We found it touching as we were pulling out of the gate in Montreal that at least a dozen Westjet ground crew were standing in a row all waving goodbye to our plane. A simple gesture with a nice touchy good feeling.
There is something to be said about taking a short trip. It's nice to get away and change the routine, but also nice to return home. That being said, the memories of Kelly-Anne and the thoughts of her not being with us on this trip were there. I was having a good time and had to remind myself that I was allowed to enjoy myself and that she would expect me to do so. Even after almost nine years that is still hard to do sometimes.
Being out west allowed me to see Kim's life and now I can sit back and not be so stressed about she being so far away. It was the best thing for her to settle in the west and I believe that any young person should go west and pursue their dreams. In my humble opinion, it is really better than living in Quebec!
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