The young maple trees in front of our house have changed color this past week. Today, the bright golden colors of the leaves shone as the sun casted over the trees. A warm sunny fall day, much like nine years ago when we lost Kelly-Anne. I realized today that next Saturday is October 5th. My goodness time is passing too quickly.
I reflected today about my life and all that has happened during the past nine years. Too much has gone on.....good stuff and not good stuff.....learning to adapt to life without Kell has been the biggest challenge of my life. I thought about new friends that I have made; people who never new Kell...but they felt that they did know her. I thought about old friends who are no longer in my life.
People change....they say that happens after a death.
I started to make a mental list of the challenges and events that have happened. I realize that Kell has been a part of everything in some way even from Heaven. She has a way of sending me messages.
Just last week I found out that a man I had met last year was very upset when he heard of Kell's death. He did not know that I was her mother nor did I know that it was his daughter, a police officer who was first on the crime scene on Oct.3rd. It seems that Kelly-Anne has been never forgotten. People remember that she was murdered. I still bump into people who ask me if I was the women on t.v.or if I am Kelly-Anne's mother.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, Kell is very much alive in my dreams. I don't think I ever dreamt as much as I have during the past nine years. I have felt her presence in our house, and if Sylvester could talk, he would confirm that Kell has been here.
Our family was blessed with a granddaughter which we will baptised this Thanksgiving weekend. Nine years ago we buried Kelly-Anne and this year we will rejoice on Thanksgiving for this precious gift. The more I look at the baby, I see Kelly-Anne. Her ears are just like Kell's. Even though the baby looks like her father, there is definitely Kelly-Anne there too.
Our spiritual journey is very important to myself and Jules. He started a new job in Ontario this past July. He comes home after a very long shift and recounts to me stories about his colleagues. We agreed that everyone has a story but interestingly the dynamics and culture are so different than what he experienced in his last job here in Quebec. As I said to him over lunch today, you were meant to be where you are.. in that company and in that town. I can only believe that Kelly-Anne played a role with God that Jules be where he is today. I can also only believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Changes will always happen in our lives, but we both have a clearer understanding of how to accept and deal with change. After going through a horrific loss, everything else we have faced or will face is peanuts.
Kelly-Anne still guides us. She helps me make decisions, she helps me swim in water that I once feared. She watches over her sister and the baby. Today I can say that everything happens for a reason. Was Kelly-Anne's work on earth completed when she died? I have a hard time to believe that is was....but she did leave a legacy....and she will never be forgotten.
She has given me the courage to forge forward, to get out of bed and embrace the day. I do not need cigarettes, drugs or liquor to get through the day. I am surrounded by love and I know that Kell is not far.....she has never left me.
As the season changes, Jules and I will start the process to move out of Quebec. We know where we belong...we have given it much serious thought and the writing is on the wall. I feel Kell has helped us come to that point. We will have another challenge to relocate. We look forward to the move and know that Kell will find our home. She knows she is always welcomed.
As we remember Kell this week, lets also remember her smile, her infectious laughter, her kind and loving heart. She still is a wonderful daughter, sister, friend and now an aunt....even from Heaven.
Love you forever.xxxxxx
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Forgiveness
Often I have been asked if I have forgiven Kelly-Anne's murderer. My answer remains the same....NO. "My heart does not allow myself at this time to forgive someone who has not shown any accountability nor responsibility got this heinous crime." However, I have forgiven someone else. That person is myself. I have finally come to the realization that I have been carrying around alot of guilt for not being a better mother and for not seeing the signs and getting my daughter out of her situation. Why didn't I save my daughter from him ?
This evening, I realize that I was a good mother to an adult daughter and that I did not put a knife in my daughter's brain stem. Only one person did that and he is now in prison....hopefully for the rest of his life. For me to continue to move forward I must forgive myself.
How often in our lives do we question how we were brought up. I view my own upbringing in a way that my parents brought me up the best way they knew how. It was in some ways different that how I brought up my girls. And that is okay as we have evolved differently through the generations.
I knew very little about domestic abuse in 2004. Today I know and understand more. Kelly-Anne always knew I was there for her, but being a victim at the hands of her abuser prevented her from being open about her situation. I know now that that was not my fault. I can no longer say I should of known better......
I forgive myself.......another journey starts tonight.
This evening, I realize that I was a good mother to an adult daughter and that I did not put a knife in my daughter's brain stem. Only one person did that and he is now in prison....hopefully for the rest of his life. For me to continue to move forward I must forgive myself.
How often in our lives do we question how we were brought up. I view my own upbringing in a way that my parents brought me up the best way they knew how. It was in some ways different that how I brought up my girls. And that is okay as we have evolved differently through the generations.
I knew very little about domestic abuse in 2004. Today I know and understand more. Kelly-Anne always knew I was there for her, but being a victim at the hands of her abuser prevented her from being open about her situation. I know now that that was not my fault. I can no longer say I should of known better......
I forgive myself.......another journey starts tonight.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Number 4
I wrote in my last entry about Kelly-Anne's bathing suit with the number 4 on it. This evening as I cleaned up a book shelf, I came across a book about dreams. I found a piece referring to the meaning of the number 4. Here it is:
The symbolic meaning of number Four deals with stability and invokes the grounded nature of all things. Consider the four seasons, four directions, four elements all these amazingly powerful essences wrapped up in the nice square package of Four. Fours represent solidity, calmness, and home. A recurrence of Four in your life may signify the need to get back to your roots, center yourself, or even "plant" yourself. Fours also indicate a need for persistence and endurance.
How amazing and symbolic all this means to me. In the past couple of years I have returned to a more rooted, basic lifestyle. Since last December I have seeked more calmness in my life by avoiding those who emit negative energy. My home has become more of the hub....a place of not just four walls. I have centered myself with more discipline and feel very grounded in myself on a personal and business level.
Kelly-Anne was just giving me a reminder that I am on the right path. She knew I would eventually figure out what the number 4 meant and is probably giggling away as I write this message.
It just goes to show that our loved ones who have departed have a way of sending us messages through dreams. It is for us to be opened to read through the lines and understand that the message may not always be immediately clear, but at some point it eventually will have great meaning once the puzzle is completed.
The symbolic meaning of number Four deals with stability and invokes the grounded nature of all things. Consider the four seasons, four directions, four elements all these amazingly powerful essences wrapped up in the nice square package of Four. Fours represent solidity, calmness, and home. A recurrence of Four in your life may signify the need to get back to your roots, center yourself, or even "plant" yourself. Fours also indicate a need for persistence and endurance.
How amazing and symbolic all this means to me. In the past couple of years I have returned to a more rooted, basic lifestyle. Since last December I have seeked more calmness in my life by avoiding those who emit negative energy. My home has become more of the hub....a place of not just four walls. I have centered myself with more discipline and feel very grounded in myself on a personal and business level.
Kelly-Anne was just giving me a reminder that I am on the right path. She knew I would eventually figure out what the number 4 meant and is probably giggling away as I write this message.
It just goes to show that our loved ones who have departed have a way of sending us messages through dreams. It is for us to be opened to read through the lines and understand that the message may not always be immediately clear, but at some point it eventually will have great meaning once the puzzle is completed.
I am Always with You
A few weeks ago, I had again the strangest dream. Kelly-Anne seems to be everywhere these days but this dream left me with a very soothing message.
It was winter and we were on a chartered bus in a shopping mall parking lot. Kelly-Anne turned to me and said that she forgot her bathing suit at the pool and that we had to go quickly to retrieve it from the bottom of the pool. We got off the bus and ran to the pool. Her bathing suit with the number 4 on it was in clear view but at the bottom of the pool. She asked me to get it, but I hestated as I said I could not swim down that far. Somehow I leaned over the pool and picked up the bathing suit...that in my dream was not clear, but I did have it in my hands. We ran back to were the bus was only to see that it had departed. We stood there in the parking lot alone together and realized that my car, a black one was parked nearby. We got in the car and drove away.
Strange as it is, I woke up from that dream and realized again that she is always with me... we only needed each other. I retrieved her bathing suit with her help and even though the bus left without us we still managed to find transportation.
Just wanted to share this with you........I feel inspired , reassured and happy that Kelly-Anne finds her way into my life on a daily basis to encourage and help me.
It was winter and we were on a chartered bus in a shopping mall parking lot. Kelly-Anne turned to me and said that she forgot her bathing suit at the pool and that we had to go quickly to retrieve it from the bottom of the pool. We got off the bus and ran to the pool. Her bathing suit with the number 4 on it was in clear view but at the bottom of the pool. She asked me to get it, but I hestated as I said I could not swim down that far. Somehow I leaned over the pool and picked up the bathing suit...that in my dream was not clear, but I did have it in my hands. We ran back to were the bus was only to see that it had departed. We stood there in the parking lot alone together and realized that my car, a black one was parked nearby. We got in the car and drove away.
Strange as it is, I woke up from that dream and realized again that she is always with me... we only needed each other. I retrieved her bathing suit with her help and even though the bus left without us we still managed to find transportation.
Just wanted to share this with you........I feel inspired , reassured and happy that Kelly-Anne finds her way into my life on a daily basis to encourage and help me.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
On a Cloud
Getting back into the daily routine was very hard after spending time in Alberta visiting our granddaughter. Ah, what a joy and a blessing is she. Saying goodbye at the airport was rough for all of us and even harder when the plane took off into mid air. I sat there crying as I knew there was no turning back....you know the movie scenario when the plane is taxing on the tarmac and all of a sudden the plane stops, the door opens and the beautiful women steps out and runs down the stairs into the arms of the man she loves. Only in movies...oh I had wished that were the case. I just couldn't get enough of her cuddles, smiles and oous and ahs.
Everyday she seems to change. People tell me that she has my eyes. I say she now looks like her Dad, but I do see the resemblance of myself in her eyes. Babies change so quickly. Kim is constantly stimulating her with music, exercises and even reads to her. Elmo and Dog are her two buddies who hang with her in her stroller and on the floor.
The routine of motherhood has set in for Kim. She is enjoying every minute of her new responsibilities of nurturing her baby. And what a mom she is! I couldn't be prouder.
Things have changed since I was a young mother. I was not with Kim a day when she said to me "Mom, why are you questioning everything I do?" I responded by saying that I am not questioning what you are doing, but questioning how so many things have changed. Raising a baby is different in 2013. I am still stuck in the 80's with baby and child stuff.
Returning to the hotel each night, I laid in bed thinking of the days events and about how much Kelly-Anne is missed at this time. I look at our granddaughter and see this precious life which gives me hope, strength and courage to continue to forge forward. She has allowed me to renew my confidence within myself and somehow is telling me that a little bit of Kelly-Anne lies within her. Kelly-Anne's niece is telling me to be happy and let go of the pain. Through the tears, I can now smile.
Everyday she seems to change. People tell me that she has my eyes. I say she now looks like her Dad, but I do see the resemblance of myself in her eyes. Babies change so quickly. Kim is constantly stimulating her with music, exercises and even reads to her. Elmo and Dog are her two buddies who hang with her in her stroller and on the floor.
The routine of motherhood has set in for Kim. She is enjoying every minute of her new responsibilities of nurturing her baby. And what a mom she is! I couldn't be prouder.
Things have changed since I was a young mother. I was not with Kim a day when she said to me "Mom, why are you questioning everything I do?" I responded by saying that I am not questioning what you are doing, but questioning how so many things have changed. Raising a baby is different in 2013. I am still stuck in the 80's with baby and child stuff.
Returning to the hotel each night, I laid in bed thinking of the days events and about how much Kelly-Anne is missed at this time. I look at our granddaughter and see this precious life which gives me hope, strength and courage to continue to forge forward. She has allowed me to renew my confidence within myself and somehow is telling me that a little bit of Kelly-Anne lies within her. Kelly-Anne's niece is telling me to be happy and let go of the pain. Through the tears, I can now smile.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
A Message from a Stranger
A few months ago, I was at my hairdresser getting a hair revamp if I may call it that. While sitting and waiting for the dye to settle on my roots I picked up a conversation with a women next to me. For me, it is a common occurrence to talk to people while at the hairdresser. The women told me that she was retired from the hospital where Kelly-Anne had succumb to her wounds. We talked for only a short while and she told me a little about her work and I told her how amazing that hospital is but sadly Kelly-Anne could not be saved. It wasn't a long conversation as we both shortly went off to our hair stylist for our cuts.
The lady finished getting her cut prior to me but before she left the salon she came to where I was and said," You know we may never meet again, but I feel that your daughter Kelly-Anne sent me here today to give you a message. I feel that it was meant that we meet today. I want to give you her message that she wants you to be happy and to do what you need to do to move forward." I sat there with tears streaming down my face as my hairdresser gently patted my arm.
I have not forgotten that moment and feel the same as that lady, that we were meant to meet that day so she could give me a message. I realized that after that meeting, my life started to change even more so. Another page was turned which included more healing and acceptance of Kelly-Anne's death. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I know now that Kelly-Anne is at peace. She is alright and still continues to watch over all of her family and friends. She knows she is not forgotten. Now I can move forward with my life...to not fear the future, to embrace every day as a new day, a gift. I am able to say that I love my life, my husband, my daughters, my grandchild, my son -in law, my three crazy feline friends, my human friends and my business and my employees.
Life has fallen into place. I am where I am suppose to be right now. Thank you to the lady delivering that special message from Kelly-Anne. I do not even know her name, but know that she was sent from Kelly-Anne that day. Kelly-Anne used this angel on earth to get to me. How wonderful is that.
The lady finished getting her cut prior to me but before she left the salon she came to where I was and said," You know we may never meet again, but I feel that your daughter Kelly-Anne sent me here today to give you a message. I feel that it was meant that we meet today. I want to give you her message that she wants you to be happy and to do what you need to do to move forward." I sat there with tears streaming down my face as my hairdresser gently patted my arm.
I have not forgotten that moment and feel the same as that lady, that we were meant to meet that day so she could give me a message. I realized that after that meeting, my life started to change even more so. Another page was turned which included more healing and acceptance of Kelly-Anne's death. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I know now that Kelly-Anne is at peace. She is alright and still continues to watch over all of her family and friends. She knows she is not forgotten. Now I can move forward with my life...to not fear the future, to embrace every day as a new day, a gift. I am able to say that I love my life, my husband, my daughters, my grandchild, my son -in law, my three crazy feline friends, my human friends and my business and my employees.
Life has fallen into place. I am where I am suppose to be right now. Thank you to the lady delivering that special message from Kelly-Anne. I do not even know her name, but know that she was sent from Kelly-Anne that day. Kelly-Anne used this angel on earth to get to me. How wonderful is that.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Lost For Words
In the early morning of April 2nd our granddaughter made her entrance into our world. Lost for words is how I can only describe what I felt at that moment. Obviously we knew for the last nine months that Kim was going to have a baby, but when the moment of her birth day finally arrived, this little person literally took my breath away. It has taken me since then to sit in front of my blog to write about her beauty, her body language, her hair and how alert she is. I am in awe and finding the words to describe how I feel is really not easy, even now.
Each day I see new pictures of her....she looks like she loves fashion.....love her little outfits. She shows us her large hands and long artistic looking fingers...what is all that about I ask....oh maybe she will play an instrument or enjoy drawing. Only the future will tell. What I did not expect was the amount of dark hair and how much she looks like Kim when Kim was born. Seeing my daughter so blissfully in love with her baby and her partner brings me so much joy.
Now how do I really feel being a new grandmother........proud, energized, walking on a cloud. She has changed my life. I am only angry over one thing which has brought me to tears and that is why isn't Kelly-Anne not here to share this moment with us. So not right...just imagine if she were with us on earth, Kell would have stopped what ever she was doing, hopped on a plane and surprised Kim. Kell would of embraced this occasion in her own special way. I know Kelly-Anne knows that she is an auntie now and I know she is watching over the baby. But my heart is still in pain.
I rejoice that my granddaughter is healthy, that she is loved and surrounded by wonderful people. Jules and I look forward to our trip out west this spring. We can't wait to take her shopping....baby needs to learn at a young age how to shop for a bargain !
I feel now I can relate to all the new grandmothers - to -be who come into my office on a daily basis. They are so excited to have a first hand peek of their grandchild. New birth, new life, such a beautiful gift to be appreciated, to be love and respected.
I am embracing the time I have with my granddaughter. I am proud of Kim and know she and her partner will be exceptional parents. Oh how motherhood and grandmother hood can change you...I have truly won the lotto !!
Each day I see new pictures of her....she looks like she loves fashion.....love her little outfits. She shows us her large hands and long artistic looking fingers...what is all that about I ask....oh maybe she will play an instrument or enjoy drawing. Only the future will tell. What I did not expect was the amount of dark hair and how much she looks like Kim when Kim was born. Seeing my daughter so blissfully in love with her baby and her partner brings me so much joy.
Now how do I really feel being a new grandmother........proud, energized, walking on a cloud. She has changed my life. I am only angry over one thing which has brought me to tears and that is why isn't Kelly-Anne not here to share this moment with us. So not right...just imagine if she were with us on earth, Kell would have stopped what ever she was doing, hopped on a plane and surprised Kim. Kell would of embraced this occasion in her own special way. I know Kelly-Anne knows that she is an auntie now and I know she is watching over the baby. But my heart is still in pain.
I rejoice that my granddaughter is healthy, that she is loved and surrounded by wonderful people. Jules and I look forward to our trip out west this spring. We can't wait to take her shopping....baby needs to learn at a young age how to shop for a bargain !
I feel now I can relate to all the new grandmothers - to -be who come into my office on a daily basis. They are so excited to have a first hand peek of their grandchild. New birth, new life, such a beautiful gift to be appreciated, to be love and respected.
I am embracing the time I have with my granddaughter. I am proud of Kim and know she and her partner will be exceptional parents. Oh how motherhood and grandmother hood can change you...I have truly won the lotto !!
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