I awoke in the early hours of the morning and saw an email from a close friend. She wrote that she was thinking of Kelly-Anne and wished her eternal memory. She then mentioned as if she was writing to Kelly-Anne how her family have kept her memory alive and that she will never be forgotten. I fell back to sleep and felt cradled under my comforter, that my daughter was near by.
I spoke with another close friend yesterday who reminded me of all the good things that have happened to me in the past nine years. The biggest highlight is the new birth of our granddaughter. She has and will continue to bring joy and happiness to our lives.
Today I decided that I wanted a normal day....a quiet one of reflection, of joy and remembrance. Yes remembering Kelly-Anne as the faithful, loving daughter, but also remembering those who still suffer from domestic violence. I know that there are still women out there who are living in fear, who know that they should not be in the relationship that they are presently in, but feel that they have no other recourse. I ask that if you know someone who is in this situation, please reach out....you may be saving a life.
I am also thinking of the upcoming baptism. Last minute preparations are on the way. That will keep me busy today. I am also sadden that certain family members will not be there. Next week we will also remember family members living in Heaven with Kelly-Anne who are very missed at this time.
Our granddaughter will learn one day about Kelly-Anne and her legacy. I know this baby will make a change in the world.
Each time I look at a picture of her, I am reminded of Kelly-Anne. I am reminded that there is hope for the future and that the only thing I can do is continue to forge forward and live. It is the least I can do to honor my daughter, Kelly-Anne. Memory eternal!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
Deep in the Stars
" There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real."
Charlie Brown
Charlie Brown
Sunday, September 29, 2013
October
The young maple trees in front of our house have changed color this past week. Today, the bright golden colors of the leaves shone as the sun casted over the trees. A warm sunny fall day, much like nine years ago when we lost Kelly-Anne. I realized today that next Saturday is October 5th. My goodness time is passing too quickly.
I reflected today about my life and all that has happened during the past nine years. Too much has gone on.....good stuff and not good stuff.....learning to adapt to life without Kell has been the biggest challenge of my life. I thought about new friends that I have made; people who never new Kell...but they felt that they did know her. I thought about old friends who are no longer in my life.
People change....they say that happens after a death.
I started to make a mental list of the challenges and events that have happened. I realize that Kell has been a part of everything in some way even from Heaven. She has a way of sending me messages.
Just last week I found out that a man I had met last year was very upset when he heard of Kell's death. He did not know that I was her mother nor did I know that it was his daughter, a police officer who was first on the crime scene on Oct.3rd. It seems that Kelly-Anne has been never forgotten. People remember that she was murdered. I still bump into people who ask me if I was the women on t.v.or if I am Kelly-Anne's mother.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, Kell is very much alive in my dreams. I don't think I ever dreamt as much as I have during the past nine years. I have felt her presence in our house, and if Sylvester could talk, he would confirm that Kell has been here.
Our family was blessed with a granddaughter which we will baptised this Thanksgiving weekend. Nine years ago we buried Kelly-Anne and this year we will rejoice on Thanksgiving for this precious gift. The more I look at the baby, I see Kelly-Anne. Her ears are just like Kell's. Even though the baby looks like her father, there is definitely Kelly-Anne there too.
Our spiritual journey is very important to myself and Jules. He started a new job in Ontario this past July. He comes home after a very long shift and recounts to me stories about his colleagues. We agreed that everyone has a story but interestingly the dynamics and culture are so different than what he experienced in his last job here in Quebec. As I said to him over lunch today, you were meant to be where you are.. in that company and in that town. I can only believe that Kelly-Anne played a role with God that Jules be where he is today. I can also only believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Changes will always happen in our lives, but we both have a clearer understanding of how to accept and deal with change. After going through a horrific loss, everything else we have faced or will face is peanuts.
Kelly-Anne still guides us. She helps me make decisions, she helps me swim in water that I once feared. She watches over her sister and the baby. Today I can say that everything happens for a reason. Was Kelly-Anne's work on earth completed when she died? I have a hard time to believe that is was....but she did leave a legacy....and she will never be forgotten.
She has given me the courage to forge forward, to get out of bed and embrace the day. I do not need cigarettes, drugs or liquor to get through the day. I am surrounded by love and I know that Kell is not far.....she has never left me.
As the season changes, Jules and I will start the process to move out of Quebec. We know where we belong...we have given it much serious thought and the writing is on the wall. I feel Kell has helped us come to that point. We will have another challenge to relocate. We look forward to the move and know that Kell will find our home. She knows she is always welcomed.
As we remember Kell this week, lets also remember her smile, her infectious laughter, her kind and loving heart. She still is a wonderful daughter, sister, friend and now an aunt....even from Heaven.
Love you forever.xxxxxx
I reflected today about my life and all that has happened during the past nine years. Too much has gone on.....good stuff and not good stuff.....learning to adapt to life without Kell has been the biggest challenge of my life. I thought about new friends that I have made; people who never new Kell...but they felt that they did know her. I thought about old friends who are no longer in my life.
People change....they say that happens after a death.
I started to make a mental list of the challenges and events that have happened. I realize that Kell has been a part of everything in some way even from Heaven. She has a way of sending me messages.
Just last week I found out that a man I had met last year was very upset when he heard of Kell's death. He did not know that I was her mother nor did I know that it was his daughter, a police officer who was first on the crime scene on Oct.3rd. It seems that Kelly-Anne has been never forgotten. People remember that she was murdered. I still bump into people who ask me if I was the women on t.v.or if I am Kelly-Anne's mother.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, Kell is very much alive in my dreams. I don't think I ever dreamt as much as I have during the past nine years. I have felt her presence in our house, and if Sylvester could talk, he would confirm that Kell has been here.
Our family was blessed with a granddaughter which we will baptised this Thanksgiving weekend. Nine years ago we buried Kelly-Anne and this year we will rejoice on Thanksgiving for this precious gift. The more I look at the baby, I see Kelly-Anne. Her ears are just like Kell's. Even though the baby looks like her father, there is definitely Kelly-Anne there too.
Our spiritual journey is very important to myself and Jules. He started a new job in Ontario this past July. He comes home after a very long shift and recounts to me stories about his colleagues. We agreed that everyone has a story but interestingly the dynamics and culture are so different than what he experienced in his last job here in Quebec. As I said to him over lunch today, you were meant to be where you are.. in that company and in that town. I can only believe that Kelly-Anne played a role with God that Jules be where he is today. I can also only believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Changes will always happen in our lives, but we both have a clearer understanding of how to accept and deal with change. After going through a horrific loss, everything else we have faced or will face is peanuts.
Kelly-Anne still guides us. She helps me make decisions, she helps me swim in water that I once feared. She watches over her sister and the baby. Today I can say that everything happens for a reason. Was Kelly-Anne's work on earth completed when she died? I have a hard time to believe that is was....but she did leave a legacy....and she will never be forgotten.
She has given me the courage to forge forward, to get out of bed and embrace the day. I do not need cigarettes, drugs or liquor to get through the day. I am surrounded by love and I know that Kell is not far.....she has never left me.
As the season changes, Jules and I will start the process to move out of Quebec. We know where we belong...we have given it much serious thought and the writing is on the wall. I feel Kell has helped us come to that point. We will have another challenge to relocate. We look forward to the move and know that Kell will find our home. She knows she is always welcomed.
As we remember Kell this week, lets also remember her smile, her infectious laughter, her kind and loving heart. She still is a wonderful daughter, sister, friend and now an aunt....even from Heaven.
Love you forever.xxxxxx
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Forgiveness
Often I have been asked if I have forgiven Kelly-Anne's murderer. My answer remains the same....NO. "My heart does not allow myself at this time to forgive someone who has not shown any accountability nor responsibility got this heinous crime." However, I have forgiven someone else. That person is myself. I have finally come to the realization that I have been carrying around alot of guilt for not being a better mother and for not seeing the signs and getting my daughter out of her situation. Why didn't I save my daughter from him ?
This evening, I realize that I was a good mother to an adult daughter and that I did not put a knife in my daughter's brain stem. Only one person did that and he is now in prison....hopefully for the rest of his life. For me to continue to move forward I must forgive myself.
How often in our lives do we question how we were brought up. I view my own upbringing in a way that my parents brought me up the best way they knew how. It was in some ways different that how I brought up my girls. And that is okay as we have evolved differently through the generations.
I knew very little about domestic abuse in 2004. Today I know and understand more. Kelly-Anne always knew I was there for her, but being a victim at the hands of her abuser prevented her from being open about her situation. I know now that that was not my fault. I can no longer say I should of known better......
I forgive myself.......another journey starts tonight.
This evening, I realize that I was a good mother to an adult daughter and that I did not put a knife in my daughter's brain stem. Only one person did that and he is now in prison....hopefully for the rest of his life. For me to continue to move forward I must forgive myself.
How often in our lives do we question how we were brought up. I view my own upbringing in a way that my parents brought me up the best way they knew how. It was in some ways different that how I brought up my girls. And that is okay as we have evolved differently through the generations.
I knew very little about domestic abuse in 2004. Today I know and understand more. Kelly-Anne always knew I was there for her, but being a victim at the hands of her abuser prevented her from being open about her situation. I know now that that was not my fault. I can no longer say I should of known better......
I forgive myself.......another journey starts tonight.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Number 4
I wrote in my last entry about Kelly-Anne's bathing suit with the number 4 on it. This evening as I cleaned up a book shelf, I came across a book about dreams. I found a piece referring to the meaning of the number 4. Here it is:
The symbolic meaning of number Four deals with stability and invokes the grounded nature of all things. Consider the four seasons, four directions, four elements all these amazingly powerful essences wrapped up in the nice square package of Four. Fours represent solidity, calmness, and home. A recurrence of Four in your life may signify the need to get back to your roots, center yourself, or even "plant" yourself. Fours also indicate a need for persistence and endurance.
How amazing and symbolic all this means to me. In the past couple of years I have returned to a more rooted, basic lifestyle. Since last December I have seeked more calmness in my life by avoiding those who emit negative energy. My home has become more of the hub....a place of not just four walls. I have centered myself with more discipline and feel very grounded in myself on a personal and business level.
Kelly-Anne was just giving me a reminder that I am on the right path. She knew I would eventually figure out what the number 4 meant and is probably giggling away as I write this message.
It just goes to show that our loved ones who have departed have a way of sending us messages through dreams. It is for us to be opened to read through the lines and understand that the message may not always be immediately clear, but at some point it eventually will have great meaning once the puzzle is completed.
The symbolic meaning of number Four deals with stability and invokes the grounded nature of all things. Consider the four seasons, four directions, four elements all these amazingly powerful essences wrapped up in the nice square package of Four. Fours represent solidity, calmness, and home. A recurrence of Four in your life may signify the need to get back to your roots, center yourself, or even "plant" yourself. Fours also indicate a need for persistence and endurance.
How amazing and symbolic all this means to me. In the past couple of years I have returned to a more rooted, basic lifestyle. Since last December I have seeked more calmness in my life by avoiding those who emit negative energy. My home has become more of the hub....a place of not just four walls. I have centered myself with more discipline and feel very grounded in myself on a personal and business level.
Kelly-Anne was just giving me a reminder that I am on the right path. She knew I would eventually figure out what the number 4 meant and is probably giggling away as I write this message.
It just goes to show that our loved ones who have departed have a way of sending us messages through dreams. It is for us to be opened to read through the lines and understand that the message may not always be immediately clear, but at some point it eventually will have great meaning once the puzzle is completed.
I am Always with You
A few weeks ago, I had again the strangest dream. Kelly-Anne seems to be everywhere these days but this dream left me with a very soothing message.
It was winter and we were on a chartered bus in a shopping mall parking lot. Kelly-Anne turned to me and said that she forgot her bathing suit at the pool and that we had to go quickly to retrieve it from the bottom of the pool. We got off the bus and ran to the pool. Her bathing suit with the number 4 on it was in clear view but at the bottom of the pool. She asked me to get it, but I hestated as I said I could not swim down that far. Somehow I leaned over the pool and picked up the bathing suit...that in my dream was not clear, but I did have it in my hands. We ran back to were the bus was only to see that it had departed. We stood there in the parking lot alone together and realized that my car, a black one was parked nearby. We got in the car and drove away.
Strange as it is, I woke up from that dream and realized again that she is always with me... we only needed each other. I retrieved her bathing suit with her help and even though the bus left without us we still managed to find transportation.
Just wanted to share this with you........I feel inspired , reassured and happy that Kelly-Anne finds her way into my life on a daily basis to encourage and help me.
It was winter and we were on a chartered bus in a shopping mall parking lot. Kelly-Anne turned to me and said that she forgot her bathing suit at the pool and that we had to go quickly to retrieve it from the bottom of the pool. We got off the bus and ran to the pool. Her bathing suit with the number 4 on it was in clear view but at the bottom of the pool. She asked me to get it, but I hestated as I said I could not swim down that far. Somehow I leaned over the pool and picked up the bathing suit...that in my dream was not clear, but I did have it in my hands. We ran back to were the bus was only to see that it had departed. We stood there in the parking lot alone together and realized that my car, a black one was parked nearby. We got in the car and drove away.
Strange as it is, I woke up from that dream and realized again that she is always with me... we only needed each other. I retrieved her bathing suit with her help and even though the bus left without us we still managed to find transportation.
Just wanted to share this with you........I feel inspired , reassured and happy that Kelly-Anne finds her way into my life on a daily basis to encourage and help me.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
On a Cloud
Getting back into the daily routine was very hard after spending time in Alberta visiting our granddaughter. Ah, what a joy and a blessing is she. Saying goodbye at the airport was rough for all of us and even harder when the plane took off into mid air. I sat there crying as I knew there was no turning back....you know the movie scenario when the plane is taxing on the tarmac and all of a sudden the plane stops, the door opens and the beautiful women steps out and runs down the stairs into the arms of the man she loves. Only in movies...oh I had wished that were the case. I just couldn't get enough of her cuddles, smiles and oous and ahs.
Everyday she seems to change. People tell me that she has my eyes. I say she now looks like her Dad, but I do see the resemblance of myself in her eyes. Babies change so quickly. Kim is constantly stimulating her with music, exercises and even reads to her. Elmo and Dog are her two buddies who hang with her in her stroller and on the floor.
The routine of motherhood has set in for Kim. She is enjoying every minute of her new responsibilities of nurturing her baby. And what a mom she is! I couldn't be prouder.
Things have changed since I was a young mother. I was not with Kim a day when she said to me "Mom, why are you questioning everything I do?" I responded by saying that I am not questioning what you are doing, but questioning how so many things have changed. Raising a baby is different in 2013. I am still stuck in the 80's with baby and child stuff.
Returning to the hotel each night, I laid in bed thinking of the days events and about how much Kelly-Anne is missed at this time. I look at our granddaughter and see this precious life which gives me hope, strength and courage to continue to forge forward. She has allowed me to renew my confidence within myself and somehow is telling me that a little bit of Kelly-Anne lies within her. Kelly-Anne's niece is telling me to be happy and let go of the pain. Through the tears, I can now smile.
Everyday she seems to change. People tell me that she has my eyes. I say she now looks like her Dad, but I do see the resemblance of myself in her eyes. Babies change so quickly. Kim is constantly stimulating her with music, exercises and even reads to her. Elmo and Dog are her two buddies who hang with her in her stroller and on the floor.
The routine of motherhood has set in for Kim. She is enjoying every minute of her new responsibilities of nurturing her baby. And what a mom she is! I couldn't be prouder.
Things have changed since I was a young mother. I was not with Kim a day when she said to me "Mom, why are you questioning everything I do?" I responded by saying that I am not questioning what you are doing, but questioning how so many things have changed. Raising a baby is different in 2013. I am still stuck in the 80's with baby and child stuff.
Returning to the hotel each night, I laid in bed thinking of the days events and about how much Kelly-Anne is missed at this time. I look at our granddaughter and see this precious life which gives me hope, strength and courage to continue to forge forward. She has allowed me to renew my confidence within myself and somehow is telling me that a little bit of Kelly-Anne lies within her. Kelly-Anne's niece is telling me to be happy and let go of the pain. Through the tears, I can now smile.
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